Jul
3
2009
Secret 28…I can open my mouth and shove both feet in at the same time
For a professional communicator, I have a disturbing knack of saying exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time. I’m a lot better these days, but as a child and teenager my lack of tact was verging on the legendary. I think I must be over the worst of it though as I struggled to think of any recent examples but there are some absolute corkers when I look back in to my murky past. I present the evidence:
1. When I was 18, I was a prefect at school (well of course I was, such a good two shoes). One of the less glamorous responsibilities of being a prefect was controlling the lunch queue which had a habit of snaking around the entire school unless it was properly managed. Pupils were fed by age, with the little ones getting lunch last (seems very harsh looking back, but that’s English public schools for you). One day the queue was taking on a bit of a life of its own, and the master on duty kept shouting at me to keep the queue shorter. So I would get rid of 20 or 30 little pips and tell them to come back later. But the minute my back was turned, those little squeeks would join the queue again. Exasperated I shooed the ruffians away, and shouted that the next person to join the queue would be ‘ on fatigue’ (English public school for ‘given loads of nasty jobs to do as a punishment). That had told ‘em, the criminals.
So I couldn’t believe my eyes when, bold as brass, a girl walked up to the queue and joined it. That was it, I flipped and bawled at her in front of the entire lunch queue to Teach Her A Lesson. I finished up by shouting ‘What is the MATTER with you? Were you not listening to what I said? Are you DEAF?’. “Yes”, she sobbed…at which point I noticed her hearing aid. Cringe cringe cringe.
Lesson One: not all disabilities are visible. Do not make assumptions. Do not make flip remarks about disabilities, they will rightly come back and bite you on the bum.
2. A good few years ago I had the difficult task of taking a very senior member of the management team of the law firm I worked at on one side, to tell him he wasn’t allowed to talk to the media, and that he had broken every rule in the book by doing so and had put the firm in a difficult position. It was a very awkward discussion, he was more senior than me, more experienced, older. He took it reasonably well but his pride had clearly taken a knock. Determined to part on good terms I finished the meeting by saying, “No hard feelings, hey? Let me buy you a beer some day”. “I’m a mormon” he replied, “I don’t drink”. Cringe, cringe, cringe.
Lesson Two: do not make assumptions. Not everyone is a total lush like you. Stop insulting people, they don’t like it and it’s completely unnecessary with a bit of thought.
3.In my 20s, I worked in a small team of people headed by a wonderful, if rather scatty, old lady. She was a marvellous person, loving and kind and was so supportive of me – like a second mother really. But working with her was quite a challenge at time as her age was against her in many ways. One day she started wibbling around, I was on a deadline and didn’t have the time for any wibbling. Needing an outlet for my frustration, I emailed another girl in our team and said,
“Oh, X has only just walked in and already she is annoying me so much I want to kill her!”
You know, one of those exaggerating for effect kind of emails. Except I didn’t sent it to the other girl in our team, I sent it to X herself. CRINGE CRINGE CRINGE. And you know the worst bit? When she read it and I realised what I’d done, I burst in to tears…and she came over and put her arms around me and gave me a hug. Yup, the lovely, kind, caring lady gave ME a hug because I felt bad. Uh, I still feel sick with shame thinking about it and that was about 15 years ago.
Lesson Three: if you really must say something bad about somebody, either seriously or in jest, never EVER put it in writing.
I always fancied a career in the diplomatic service, but alas I’m not sure the quest for world peace would be well served by my bombastic style. Plus, I’d never be able to actually negotiate anything on the basis that my mouth is normally full of my feet.
Oh Spud, given the events of this morning, this is a really weird post. I mean that’s some scary synchronicity.
In the end, did you learn to always say lovely things about everyone…or just cover your ars better?
Oh my those were some good ones! I also have the knack of sticking both feet in my mouth at any given time. I’m glad that the old lady came up and hugged you tho. I’m sure she’s forgotten all about it, and if she hasn’t she probably gets a good laugh about it. I have the same question as TFM tho, do you think first or cover better? And how did you learn to do that??
OK have to share…. I once told a blind man that not having a bank account to deposit his social security in would leave him stumbling around in the dark if anything went wrong!!! immediately dug my stiletto into the top of the other foot under the desk for that one!!
and someone told me once you can boil crocs and eat them. Do they taste good Spud???
HA-HA-HHHHHHHAAAAAA! Love the photo, love the stories! Painful, but so glad they are not mine! Reminded me that we all are human. Once working at a school, I told a dwarf child that she couldn’t possibly be in the 6th grade, she was too short. Ugh! I couldn’t possible have been an administrator, I was too mental!
Great, I don’t feel so bad about my own ability to fit both feet in my mouth. And you’re so brave to share, I’m pretty sure if I did that the ground would open and swallow me!
as a former (or maybe still) graphic designer working for magazines I love your photographic “headlines”. great combination:pink roses and green crocs!
I am not going to lie, I have not read one word of this post. I seriously do not have time. I am stuck in family weekend time and have escaped momentarily. They will find me soon and my own quiet time will be over soon. But, before they drag me away again I just had to pop over and state how much your photos alone crack me the heck up! seriously…..
ok – shhh must stop typing I think they hear me – hiding under desk and pulling chair in. Bye don’t tell them you saw me
I laughed when my friend told me what she was naming her son – I thought she was joking… can definitely relate to feet in mouth.
Kristina, oh no….!!! That’s priceless…!
Oh, I knew it! We are soul sisters. I normally just ask someone to pass the ketchup as it makes foot taste a bit better.