Jul
2
2009
Secret 27… I am the world’s worst shot putter
Grunt grunt...heaaaaave ho!
I’ve already mentioned that I can’t catch or throw. Neither can I run – regardless of how fit I am, I just…can’t… run, I flake out after an embarrassingly short distance and have to lie down, gasping and panting. I also lack any kind of hand-eye coordination, I can’t jump and am very clumsy. Also, I’m quite a scared kind of person and I don’t like any kind of physical tackling type stuff – and I cry if I get hit with a ball, bat, racquet etc. Plus I’m a bad sport. If ‘Crap At Games’ was an Olympic sport, I’d be up there on the podium that’s for sure.
By the time I reached the upper sixth at school (age 18), it was widely known and accepted that I was hopeless at sport and that it was kinder not to make me do it anymore. So, on a Tuesday and Thursday afternoon while everyone else was out playing hockey/netball/tennis etc, I was allowed to go swimming. I wasn’t allowed to go unsupervised, so Mr Jackson (a very kindly maths teacher), came swimming with me. Up and down the pool we’d glide, well he was gliding, I was thrashing about of course. It was all very civilised and I was mighty relieved to be excused the hell of games for the rest of my life.
But, then, Sports Day rolled around and I was told in no uncertain terms that I ‘must’ represent my house. I was quite surprised about this given that my entire house hated me – I’d cheated in the cross country event earlier in the year and the whole house was disqualified as a result. Whoops – but in all honesty I wasn’t capable of finishing the cross country ‘amble’ (naturally I didn’t attempt to run it) without cutting out a good few miles of it. I will concede that it was unfortunate to be caught cheating but let’s gloss over that.
So back to Sports Day. A quick look at the events made it clear I was in trouble. All track events were out as I can’t run, I’d never once managed to finish the 800m never mind more, sprinting was a joke, hurdles too hurty etc etc. Field events weren’t looking too promising either though…high jump was out (can’t jump and too hurty), long jump too sandy, javelin too pointy. Hmm. So after much thought it was decided that the shot put was where I could do the least damage, either to myself or spectators.
Thankfully it was held in a quiet corner of the school grounds, and there wasn’t much a crowd. I was quite relieved about this as I actually had no idea how to shot put but, RESULT, Mr Jackson was in charge of the event and he gave me a quick lesson. Looked easy enough; nuzzle shot under jaw, wheel around a few times and then hurl it while grunting like a pig. Sorted. My first throw was 9cm. Hmm. At this point Mr Jackson started guffawing and this quickly developed in to helpless giggles. This attracted attention as it’s rare for maths teachers to start ‘losing it’ like this. A crowd gathered, oh great. My second shot was 15cm (queue more helpless giggles from everyone) and my third and ‘best’ shot was 21cm.
21cm…let’s just stop and think about that shall we…get a ruler if you can be bothered…but take it from me, 21cm is basically just right in front of your foot. Despite all the wheeling around and pig like grunting, all I’d managed to do was effectively drop the shot on the ground in front of me. I could have rolled the damn thing further.
The world record for women’s shot put is 22.63m. My personal best is 21cm. You do the maths…it’s not pretty. Let’s face it, I’m no threat to her…but I bet I’m prettier than her and, as we all know, that’s what counts.
ohmy we have sooooo many things in common
in my country we just paid a doctor and I got a fake medical certificate and never had to do any kinds of sports again… still so proud!
Waaahhhh! That is so funny. 9cm? How is that even possible??? It’s a good job you’re so smart, otherwise you’d really be in trouble!
I was talking to my husband on the phone as I read this — (I had your blog up before he called, btw) — and I burst into laughter at a very inappropriate time during the conversation! This may be your funniest one yet . . .
I think you are probably right: “pretty” (not to mention witty and smart) will probably get you a lot farther in life than the shotput throwing. (Also, it really isn’t attractive to beef up the shoulders and arms to quite that winning degree.)
Ha! Your blog is a daily treat for me. I get such a great case of giggles and my hubby is always asking what I’m laughing about. lol…oh man. And yeah, I agree with Bee…pretty and witty is way better than a shot put
See, I told you, soul sisters. Princess Crap-at-Games was my actual title on the Homecoming Court.