Chez Spud

Bertie...often mistaken for 'Betty' as he is a bit girly..clip doesn't help?

Julocha’s very funny post today about her learner driver buddy named ‘Snow’ got me thinking a bit about names, specifically the huge responsibility that we have when we name our children. It’s so tough…interesting but not to whacky, popular without being ‘too’ popular, meaningful, easy to spell, goes with your surname etc etc etc. And then there are all those people who can’t resist sticking their noses in and giving their unwanted, unasked for opinion of your choices. A friend of mine named her son Barnaby..her mother in law rang her when the baby was a few weeks old to tell her she was, ‘Coming round slowly to the idea of the name Barnaby’. WTF?

When I was expecting Bertie I made the mistake of telling my cousin we liked the name Celia for a girl. She launched in to a major rant about what an ugly/old fashioned name it is and that I would be cruel to name a child Celia. I was rather hurt but put it down to her being completely off her face slightly tipsy at the time. But the next morning she sat me down, with a hurty head, to tell me again what a vile choice Celia was for a girl. Then she added insult to injury by adding that her chosen girl’s name was Lucy, our grandmother’s name…which was my second choice for a girl’s name. Two lessons learnt here: (1) NEVER discuss your name choices with other people and (2) bagsy family names quickly.

On which note, ‘Celia’ turned out to be a boy and we named him Albert, but he’s known as Bertie. Albert is a family name on both mine and MrSpud’s side: it’s my grandfather’s name (although he’s known as Bert) and it was MrSpud’s grandfather’s middle name. We thought it was a fitting choice and that everyone would be so touched at our thoughtfulness. Oh…how…wrong we were.

My grandfather’s reaction? “Bertie? Bertie? No, I don’t like that, not at all. No. Bert is a good name. You should call him Bert”. Hmmmm. And MrSpud’s grandmother on hearing the news that her recently departed husband’s name would be carried on? “Bertie? As in Albert? Oh darling, Grandpa HATED that name!” Lesson three: do not depend on family to be pathetically grateful for naming your child after them.

Another tip, check your chosen name isn’t a traditional dog’s name. We chose Digby (always known as Diggy or Diggers) for our second child because we love the name. No other reason than that. But sooooo many people say, “Digby? What, as in ‘The Biggest Dog in the World’” Gah, I’d never come across that film as it’s not on The Approved List. Ah well.

Finally, the acid test for all names should be ‘Does it pass the rock star/prime minister/president test?’ i.e are you saddling your child with a name which will preclude them from pursuing their chosen career without ridicule and scorn? Can Bertie be a rock star, probably not but his initials are ART which kind of works. Can Digby be Prime Minister? Yes I think so, although he’ll have to quit the tantrums.

Not so the two children I came across recently. I know, I know…you shouldn’t criticise other people’s name choices but these were SO ridiculous that I don’t care. If you are reading this, mother of GYPSY and PIRATE, then you are a cruel woman. Pirate? Pirate? Who on earth told you that was a good idea? Long John Silver?

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