On friends
Posted under People I love
Shifting sands, that’s what friendship feels like. No different than any other human relationship of course but, in my experience, those sandy friendship beaches are more fickle than the others.
I choose not to have a glut of friends in my life and I’ve always been like that. It’s always been about a few, very VERY close friends supplemented by a relatively small group of good friends. Over the years the number of friends in the ‘inner circle’ has probably remained the same, but its membership has changed.
I don’t have friends from my childhood anymore, I have Facebook relationships with some of them. Does that count? Is that a relationship? Or does it just let you scratch your curiosity and let you feel like you’re ‘connected’ with your past?
My ‘oldest’ friends date from my university days thus I met them when I was 18. That seems late in life to be my ‘oldest’ friends when I compare that with others who have friends that they’ve known ‘forever’. I often wonder if I’m bad at friendship although I sincerely hope not; I love my friends with all my heart and am fiercely protective of them but I think I could be a little intense. I seem to have lost 3 ‘best friends’ in my life and only 1 of them I actively ‘sacked’ It’s a sadness to me that it turned out like that as my friends really do mean everything to me. I have a tiny family so my very close friends ARE my family. It would be very shabby if I wasn’t looking after them as I should.
And then the internet or, more specifically, internet friends sneaked in to my life and introduced a fascinating new layer of friendship in to my life. I’ve alluded to this is previous posts but, truly, I no longer differentiate between internet friends and ‘real’ friends. Friends are friends and we don’t have to physically hang out to be buddies; I care as much about many, many people I only know online every bit as much as I do about people I can look in the eye for real.
But it’s easy to forget your old friends, what with all the buzz and excitement of daily making new pals online who are often ‘there’ more frequently than those old pals are. It’s no different from romantic love in that respect..who doesn’t adore the thrill of the chase?
Driving home from Blog Camp on Sunday I happened to go past the town of an old friend from university (P). I haven’t seen or heard from P in about 13 or 14 years. I wondered how he is doing, and felt sad that the years and life got in the way of our friendship.Then I remembered another, mutual friend (E) and wondered what she is up to these days as I’ve not heard from her in 7 years. I felt a veil of gloom descend that these friends of old had somehow slipped through my hands. So poignant on the back of a weekend making shiny, new friendships.
New friendships thrill and enthrall us, and pump endorphins in to our weary bodies in a way which should only be available on prescription. Out of nowhere we feel scintillating, wanted, needed, accepted and admired…we share our stories, our secrets, our hopes, dreams and fears. People admire us and hang on our every word. And, best of all, we get to edit out our past as we see fit. Result!
Old friends are comfortable. We don’t need to ‘bother’ or ‘try’ or even keep in touch regularly because ‘we can always pick it up where we left off’. But too often that lessez faire approach kills a friendship, not always but it’s certainly happened to me. We all need a little a attention and that includes our oldest and dearest friends. All too soon it seems like it’s ‘been too long’ and there is too much to say, too much has happened so we draw a line under our friendship and move on. It’s a mistake I’ve made too often; these people are the very FABRIC of our lives, and were a part of forming us in to the people we are today. It’s easy to underestimate the significance of the role friends play in our lives.
Going back to my point (you’ll be pleased to hear). The day after my ponderings on my defunct friendship with P&E I got a text from E, out of nowhere…wondering if my telephone number was still the same, how are you, it’s been so long, let’s catch up…and [queue scary music] had been prompted to get in touch having heard our mutual friend P being interviewed on the radio [/queue scary music]. Serendipity in STEREO!!
I’ve taken this as a kick up the arse. Friendships wither and die if you don’t tend to them but they are not always dead, they just need a little water to revive them. So this is my mission, to assess ‘dead’ friendships and make contact with people I genuinely miss in my life. It won’t be a long list, but that’s ok.
First up, my friend J in the US. We worked together about 13 years ago, and she emigrated 10 years ago. I’ve visited her a couple of times since she left the UK and I adore her and her family. She has a child who has complex health issues which do not have a good prognosis. Their life is difficult and they lurch from one crisis to the next. Somewhere along the way I chickened out of emailing her, too afraid to witter on about nothing…not knowing what I was emailing in to. Instead I relied on a website they set up to update everyone on their daughter’s progress, and leaving comments there. I’ve even taken to getting updates on what is going on from a third party.
This is hopeless, and so spineless of me. I love her, I love her family…yet I think it’s OK to opt out like this because it’s ‘too hard’. Not ‘knowing what I’m emailing in to’ is a poor excuse for not being in touch and being supportive. My friend is wise enough to stay about from chatty sally emails if things are not good with her daughter’s health.
I last saw her 2 years ago when she visited the UK for the first time since she left for the US, as her daughter’s health had been too precarious to travel. We’d planned to spend the day together, all four children and us. But then Diggy got sick with some bug and she couldn’t take the risk of him passing it on to her daughter. So, instead, she rang my doorbell, couldn’t kiss or touch me, put presents on the floor of my hall, talked to me for 30 seconds and ran off. I stood in the street and waved to her husband and children. And then I went in to my house and cried and cried and cried. I cried for her and our special day which was ruined. I was still crying when MrSpud got home that night. That’s how much she means to me.
And this is the person I don’t email because it’s ‘too hard’. SPINELESS.
So, my friends, audit your list of old friends…who needs some attention? Who do you think is lost to you but probably isn’t? Who needs you more than you probably realise? Who do YOU need more than you dare admit?
Friends…our shied, our defender, our strength and our stay. Give praise and be thankful for them. And buy them stuff xxx
It can be so hard to keep a friendship going. I know I’ve let a few go cuz i felt like i was the only one making an effort. Grudgy of me i know, but whatever.
But there are a few i wahn fi mek sure i keep, so off to call everyone i know, they are gonna haffi buy their own stuff. Thanks for the reminder.
You really gave me some food for thought here!
wise words. I’ve also been thinking about these matters a lot, with all the new connections being made through blogging. I worry about trying to fit all the people I love into a limited amount of time. old friends also need reassurance and attention – it’s easy to forget.
xox
k
Just this week I reconnected with one of my best friends from high school. I hadn’t seen her in over 25 years. I only tracked her down by reading an obituary about her brother… sad to reconnect that way, but I’m grateful to have found her again.
Hello my little wise friend, I have friends from back home and here that I stay connected with (if all to sparsely. I feel so guilty when I don’t write or call then the guilt takes over, but it’s all good in the end.
I’m glad your stereo serendipity (one of my fave words btw) was working for you that day… and you are so right….we do all just wanna be loved!!!
I love you Spuddy. xx
Excellent post. First off, I am certain that someone who is as honest with themself as you are being about when you are “spineless” and where you could make more effort, is not a bad friend. I think your friends would probably say you are fantastic and that you are being hard on yourself. But yes, you are right, friendships do need tending. I think about this alot because my career takes me all around the world, changing country every two to three years (and my childhood was like that too) – so I, like you, have a few very close friends who are ALWAYS a priority, and then lots of other people who are also friends, but ona different level…who change frequently. I have made a very solemn promise to myself that because of my situation I will make an EXTRA effort to make sure that I will be in touch, even if sometimes it just amounts to a text message or a birthday card or a facebook message….i am not always so good at it. But I do try….
This post is very thought provoking. I have let some friendships get away from me in the last year or two and I am not sure how to approach a reconnect…..a phone call or an email….but, perhaps an examintaion of why I let those friendships drift away is in order, too.
S
Sometime when I think about my friends and friendships I feel as though I dont have enough either in quantity or quality. I think this is an only child things? although I am sure melissa would say it was something else, and i’m inclined to agree on second thought. Like you I have no friends from school, and all my very close friends since, and this includes you bitch, have moved away from me! H went to Edinburgh, L to Sardinia, M to Australia, N to NYC, P to Australia. I mean FFS, is there something wrong with me? And because I am lame I don’t speak to any of these as often I should, nor visit. Friendships can be revived and when we do speak we all realise how good it was [sounds like a summer love] but then life gets in the way: swine flu, news jobs, bloody exhibitions, illness, broken marriages etc and you neglect those people who really do support you, as you say. we’re very similar in that my friends are my family and in light of this I shall send them all a postcard. it’s not like i have anything else to do while laid up with piggy flu. xx
how awkward a situation to just drop a few presents on the floor, poor thing! I have “lost” a good old German college friend who once came over to Ireland to recover from the (temporary) separation of her husband. the three of us had shared an appartment in college days. she was constantly complaining that I reminded her of good old days and first love with him. however I tried to help her I was associated with too good memories that made her her suffer. after her return back home and rejoining with her husband she nver ever answered my e-mails any more. and me? too spineless to make the first step….
Lovely post. I am glad you are re-connecting with some old friends. Old friends are important in many ways … they know the context of you, where you come from, what your frame of reference is. I think it can be important to create new experiences with old friends, so that it is not just all about the “good old days” or whatever.
I recently got some school friends together after not having seen each other for years. It was great and we plan to do it again very soon. Something that prompted me to do this was the untimely and very sudden death of someone. I thought that if one of these friends from school died, the rest of us would meet up at the funeral. And that would be a very sad reason to get together.
I’m not sure about the whole friends IRL versus in the computer distinction. Perhaps everyone re-invents themselves?
I used to think I was alone in finding it hard to make friends and being usueless in keeping hold of them whilst everyone around me seemed to have masses of friends, make new ones contanttly and maintian a haord of them that they’d know since birth and in the last few years I’ve relaised that should be published on snopes as it’s utter toot, most of us don’t stay in touch as much as we’d like to and we’ve all let really good friendships wither.
I’m fascinated by the fact that increased communication ability has actually caused us to have fewer real interactions. It’s too easy to just throw a sheep at someone at facebook rather than pick up the phone or heaven forbid, write them a letter. My husband doesn’t understand my obsession with sending birthday and Christams cards as hardly anyone sends them back, he doesn’t get that’s not why I send them.
what a great post… and don’t be so hard on yourself for opting out of you friends life because it’s “too hard”. I’ve experienced it first hand on the other side of the story… some of my friends fell out of contact when hubby was really sick and at first i was angry and couldn’t “get” that kind of friendship.. until one of them rang me and crying on the phone explained that she had been sitting by the phone forever “afraid” of calling me…”what would she say”?…”how could she comfort me”?…. so ya it can get tough, but it’s the first step that is hard… then you feel really good about having connected with that person when you really need to.
I have reconnected with my best friend from my childhood..and it’s like we’ve never skipped a beat… and her support through this tough time has been such an important element.
anyways… good luck
hugs
m
Great post. You’ve inspired me to get in touch with a friend who I haven’t spoken to for a few months. I’ve been meaning to do it for ages, so after reading your post today I went out and bought a card to send to her.
So thanks!
Thank you, this is a great post. I’m certainly guilty of letting some friendships go because it’s become too hard. Time to make some time, methinks.
Love that photo it’s one of my favs. An interesting choice to go with this post topic! I’ve thought a lot about friendship this week too as I got to reconnect with Jules after a brief airport visit at DIA 4 years ago, and before that it was 10 years ago. Some poet??? said Friends are a gift you give yourself. Think this is true now more than ever. We are so busy busy busy…it’s definitely a choice to make time for oneself and for friends.
I’m a big believer that if you have chemistry with a person, it will always be there. This summer I met up with a close friend from Trinidad days, but we hadn’t seen each other in at least 7 years. Still, that wonderful “flow” of words and ideas was still there. HOWEVER, you can’t really underestimate the importance of relevancy, either. Our friendship is still alive, but not in the same way as it was in the old days when we worked together, had a book club, and spent long boozy lunches dissecting the state of the world. (Who hasn’t had great work friendships that later died a death from lack of common oxygen?) I do love the sort of old friend ESP that you describe here. That kind of thing has happened to me many times.
I suppose that is why blog friendships are so compelling. You get exposed to someone’s daily (or weekly, in my case) thoughts and doings in a way that is rarely possible for real-life friendships. This is such a lovely, poignant post. It makes me think of that old Girl Scout song: “make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other’s gold.”
I love the honest, open-hearted glimpses of you that this post provides. I also love that it may just be the kick in the pants that I needed. I have misplaced a few friends myself over the years. I miss them, and I think I’ll call to tell them so.
Thank you.
i can’t really say anything new in relation to what the others have said (which is why i usually avoid reading the comments before leaving my own)..but find this thought-provoking and just as interesting in what it leaves out as what it says…which i suppose is true of most posts. but it makes me want to (once again) google two (maybe 3) old friends that i’ve lost touch with and which i regret that about…interestingly, not a single one of them is from high school. only from college. very ponderable…
Loved this post.
I find myself saying…oh, I have a friend who… when talking about my blog friends. To me they’re the same as my analog friends.
Another one who has long since stopped distinguishing how I met people, they are all my friends. I have even stopped pretending that I met people on a much cooler but imaginary website rotfl!!
We were discussing this on Friday when I met someone for the 1st time, despite having known her for the best part of 4 years… I think my geek friends know more about me and how I feel by virtue of the fact that we share more (and many more details!) online!
When feeling spineless or guilty I always try and remember that friendship is a 2 way thing and requires both parties to put in some effort, sometimes it makes me feel better, sometimes it doesn’t!
x
Very wise Spud….it is a trap we all fall into at one time or another “time just flys by” we say, promising to contact so-and-so tomorrow, and then another month slips by…
It IS easy to get romanced by new friendships, but lets not forget what a refreshing breather it can to slip back into old ones, like a comfy pair of worn-in slippers. I have a friend visiting now, and although she is one of my most recent buddies, there is no one else I feel more comfortable, rel;axed and at home with…I miss her when she is gone. I will tell her that when I see her later.