Autumnal Glums
Posted under People I love, Witterings
Bit of a cheat photo…I took it last March, but the processing and the bleak, bare trees and piles of leaves kind of suited my mood so we’ll go with that. Also, note to self, must break out that superwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide lens more often. I tend to feel that my 18-200mm lens has got all the bases covered. But the superwide is really WIDE at 11-16mm. Sorry, I wandered off there in to photography musings. In short, the superwide is cool and needs more loving.
I’m definitely missing that September ‘back-to-school’ regeneration vibe this year. Even when your life isn’t dictated by the school year there’s a definite buzz about September, a feeling of change and starting afresh. When I was younger September meant a new class, new teachers, new subjects, new books, new bags/pencil cases/shoes etc etc. As a ‘working girl’ September always seemed to mark the beginning of new projects or at least renewed enthusiasm for the job to be done, as everyone slowly drifted back to work after the holidays.
I love Autumn. I’m all done with the heat of Summer by the time August comes around, I can’t be bothered with it…the garden is dry, the days are already notably shorter, the freshness, expectation and anticipation of the early summer months has long since passed. So, for me, it’s generally a delight when September swings around and we can crack on with it. Lovely light, mildish days, new boots…these are the treats of September.
But this year I can’t shake the glums. They snuck in right at the start of September, when the weather abruptly changed with no warning and it was grey and grim. Then I lost my job rather unexpectedly and, whilst I was so lucky to have a new job to go to, it’s been a bit of a shift change to get used to the idea. Blog Camp was marvellous, just perfect…but I really struggled with awful post holiday blues when I got home. And I can’t seem to pick myself up.
I’m a bit nervous of my new job which starts in a few weeks. Actually I rather wish I was starting it sooner so I could just get on with it, rather than worrying about it. I have that sick ‘Oh no, what if I can’t do it?’ feeling so I’d really rather just push on and find out really. Plus, some other possible work has come my way and I want to scream ‘No I can’t do it, it’s too much, I can’t cope!’. I never used to suffer from a lack of confidence about work, but it’s definitely creeping in. Plus the new job means a change in working hours, a change to the pattern of my life. I don’t do change, oh no!
Then there’s a real sense of sadness that this is the last year that I will have my two boys at home with me. This time next year Bertie will start school this time next year, and it’s the start of years and years of our lives being ruled by the school calendar. I have regrets that I’ve not done ‘more’ with the boys and am determined to make the most of our time together this year. Next year will break up our daytime happy trio: me, Bertie and Diggy. Bertie will be at school and Diggy will be left at nursery…the first time the two of them will be without each other. It makes me tearful just to think of it actually. Perhaps it will be different next year, but right now they won’t be separated, they adore each other. So we will have a splendid year together, but it’s a definite bitter sweet feeling for me.
But, I think, the nub of it is that my grandfather is very sick and has decided not to have any more treatment. I completely respect and understand his decision, but it’s gnawing away at me. He’s nearly 90 and he’s been so well nearly all his life, but the last few years have been tough on him. I can’t being to imagine what it must feel like to make a decision not to continue with treatment that ‘might’ make you better, because the treatment itself is so hard to bear. I don’t know many details, but I do know that this is the beginning of the end. He’s a wonderful person, it’s so tough to contemplate.
And wrapped around all of this is other family illness and uncertainty. Me and MrSpud are trying to make plans for our future, the boys’ future, but not knowing whether we might need to support our family as well makes the ifs and buts rather complex. Where’s that crystal ball when you need it?! There are opportunities that I would love the boys to have, and things that I want us to do and have…but in the end if we are together, happy and healthy then that’s more than enough.
Begone fears, anxieties, shades and shadows. Roll on October.
Goodness, you are certainly kicking it around tonight.
I totally get that. Even though my life is piled high with goodness, I can still feel overwhelmed with melancholia sometimes. And I am way, way too affected by a gray sky.
Funnily enough, earlier this evening I was thinking about how this is my oldest daughter’s last full-time year at home. (She is going to boarding school for Sixth Form next year.) I had that same thought: treasure this year.
I’m sorry about your grandfather. All of the rationalizing in the world can’t really take away your sadness at the thought of him not being here anymore.
Sending some love your way, sweets. Don’t let the glooms catch up with you completely. *Aquard hug*
Oh you are definitely dealing with a lot! Something that helps me keep perspective is a quotation I keep on my bulletin boards (yes, more than one!):
“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
I can’t say precisely why that cheers me, even on very glum days, but I think it’s because I have finally learned to cherish each day, even the sad and frustrating ones, because it’s very clear to me I really don’t know how many days are left, and I don’t want to leave this world regretting any of them.
I wish for you and your family a sense of peace despite sad and stressful changes, or perhaps I should say, along with them. Take good care.
I can feel those Spud-blues all the way across the pond. How wise you are to recognize how elusive and precious your time with the boys truly is. Many a mom doesn’t see it until it’s over. Since you can’t stop Father Time, just be present with them as much as you can every second you’re with them.
I will send loving prayers for your Grandfather that whatever course his body takes, it will be a gentle one.
Sending love to move your blues away…..
♥
S
Change, Change, Change, God bless you as you navigate those changes.
It’s funny, i get this too, even though i now live in place without real seasons…..maybe it has been programmed into me. I hope you feel better…!!
Thanks everyone xxx Nancy I love that quote. I will pin it up on the imaginary noticeboard in my office, and also give myself a kick to get on and actually GET a noticeboard!!
i’m so sorry you’re feeling glum…i had the blues right after blog camp too. and i have had this feeling of waiting and just wishing something would happen. i wonder if it can be fixed with a big, heavy new hooded sweatshirt (like it always could be when i was in college). but don’t be sad about next year already, just enjoy right now and relish that you have a whole year before bertie goes off to school.
and the leaves are starting to be glorious, aren’t they? that helps!
xoxox,
/j
so sorry to read about that massive Spud-blues … if it wasn’t so sunny around here I probably would be the same (I had the blues during those extremely grey days of July and August) all the best! xxx Eliane
I get those glums, too, especially in the run-up to my b-day (naturally) although this year it was worst immediately after holiday–abrupt change of scenery and weather and I was totally in the doldrums. Make the most of your year with kiddies :) xxx
hi, I’m just catching up after a massive dose of work. just wanted to say I’m sorry about your grandfather and I understand that feeling of time just slipping away. hugs xxx