Sep

9

2009

Open letters…post yours here

Dear Self,

Why has it taken you the best part of 6 months to write a letter to one of your oldest friends in her time of need? Not knowing what to say is a pathetic excuse, not being able to find the words doesn’t cut it. Presumably she found herself ill-equipped to deal with what life is throwing at her, so what’s your problem been? And now it’s turned in to a whole big thing because you’ve ended up having to write a groveling letter.

You’re stupid and selfish. Learn.

From Spud xx

- – -

Dear Milkman,

Please don’t linger in our driveway and set the dogs off. Our neighbours like to sleep beyond 4am in the morning. Thank you.

From Spud (no kisses)

- – -

Dear Google,

Please send good weather for Saturday for Bertie’s party. If it rains there will be 16 feisty kids and 30 bored adults squished in to Chez Spud and it won’t end well. Also, could we have a tantrum amnesty? Thanks.

From Spud xxx

- – -

Dear MrSpud,

Why are you not here? I know you’ve had to upgrade the server at work and that our livelihood depends on it yadayadayada…but I’ve had to cook my own dinner and that doesn’t seem very fair? Get home or I’ll grudge you.

From Spud xxxx (extra kiss)

- – -

Dear September,

Why are there so many birthdays in your month? It’s quite exhausting. Could we share some with July which is looking pretty open in my diary? Thanks.

From Spud xxx

- – -

Dear Grandad,

Please get well soon. I know you’re very old and rather poorly, but I can’t bear to think of a world without you in it. Who will make me believe the TV man is coming round to sweep the dead cowboys and indians out of the bottom of it if you leave us? Also, I know you are fed up of the BBC Gardening Magazine arriving every month but that 5 year subscription is finally running out. Alleluia!

From Spud xxxx

- – -

Dear Playroom,

Be a love and tidy yourself up would you? Thanks.

From Spud xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (lots of kisses, pleading)

- – -

And breathe. That feels better. Got anything you’d like to get off your chest? Write an open letter in the comments, or blog them and tell me about them. You know you want to…

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Filed under: Witterings

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  • Dear Self,

    You can be a big nincompoop, you know? You get these wonderful emails and don't write back because you want to have time to really write. Guess what?? It never happens! So... start writing back immediately. You big ninny.
  • Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

    You suck. And you are stupid too. Who in their right mind would take a relationship in which we were both so happy, and destroy it?
  • dear self, please let my list be as short as Spud's....
  • Oh gosh, there are too many... lol

    Dear goldfish,
    Sorry I forgot to feed you. I thought you were self-sustaining until I had to flush you down the toilet this week...

    Dear Spud,
    Where is all your furniture? Oh, and thank you for the postcard. That sure made me smile :) Getting a postcard from you way on the other side of the pond. How fun! :))
  • I just wrote an open (love) letter to Ed Norton.

    Dear Ed,
    If you read spud's blog please skip over to my blog to read my letter to you.


    Dear school bus driver,
    Thank you for pulling over and letting the parade of cars pass you. You've made my morning 2 days in a row.

    Dear Dad,
    Please stop criticizing my wine drinking. I know it supposedly causes you to make an extra trip to the recycling center, but aren't I worth it?
  • Ali
    That the kind of thing you were lookin' for?
  • Ali
    Dear Chubby Parts.
    Fuck off and let me be me again.
    Sincerely
    Thin Ali hiding inside Not so Thin Ali.
  • Bee
    Good luck with that birthday party, Spud. xx
  • Dear Spud,
    Cool glasses. I am curious, why are you crouching in an empty room? It is a strange choice for a photo op (is it not)?
  • Dear Copper Dog,

    Please stop barking all of the time. I'm going to resort to neutering you to calm you down. You would have made such a good father. You are handsome and cute and I'd love to be closer. Your barking is getting in the way. My best friend Jules didn't even like you, and she likes Pomeranians...I don't want to think you are a hopeless cause. Please listen.

    Your affectionate owner, (she he feeds you and loves you in spite of your bad habit.)
  • lyanne
    bloody hilarious!

    Dear Old Father Time.
    Please can I have two more hours a day to do all the crap I have to do, especially as it's Birthday Month, as noted by Spud. I will pay these hours back when I'm old as I will be bored and willing to give them back.

    Ta,
    Lyanne

    *******************

    Dear Sandman,
    Please let me dream about someone tall, dark, handsome and wickedly good with his hands.

    lick,
    Lyanne

    *******************

    Dear Mr Fish,

    I am writing to provide you with an opportunity to redeem your fine reputation as a weather man...Please provide me with deep blue sky and a few fluffy white clouds for my photoshoot tomorrow.

    Thanks in advance

    Lyanne
    ps - I slept through the hurricane.

    *********************

    Dear Mr Spud,
    Please make Spud a Pimms and lemonade.

    See you Sat!
    Lx

    ********************

    Dear Dr Snot,
    Please cut my children some slack and let them sleep off their bugs and them make them invincible like Sporticus.

    Manly handshake
    Ms Wylde.

    ********************
  • Dear time,
    Could you please start moving at a more consistent pace, and not fly when things are fun? And if an equal pace is hard for you, could you move a little slower on the weekends perhaps?
    xxxx
    Kristina
  • dear little N,

    you are now 14 months with the worst sleeping habits a baby can have. please start sleeping at least 4/5 hours straight before mommy loses her insanity completely.

    i love u soo very much.
    zombie kisses
    mommy
    zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
  • I love this picture of you!

    I was actually planning on doing an open letter post in the very near future. Maybe even later on today.... :)
  • Yes I want to!
  • dear lila (our cat),

    please stop bringing not very dead animals in the house, setting them free and then going up to your basket to take a nap. i can hear the pitter patter of tiny mouse feet right now as i type this.

    um keep your toys outside. thanks.

    xox,
    /j

    dear neighbors,

    thank you for the big bag of apples you left on our doorstep this morning. does this mean you'd like me to bake something appley?

    hugs,
    /j

    dear spud,

    how on earth do you get your hair to grow so fast? send hair tonic immediately.

    xoxoxox,
    /j
  • No bad words about September, hey--my own b-day happens to be this month, akhm. Off to start composing (I take forever to write letters...)
  • Super - let me know if this works as a way to get the playroom to tidy itself ...
  • Dear Spud,

    I know you're passionate about keeping a tidy home, but dispensing with all furniture from the sitting room seems a bit extreme.

    HRH-TFM
  • Dear Life,
    Stop kicking me in the ass for 5 minutes.
    kthnbai

    Dear God in charge of Crap boyfriends,
    Bugger off
    xoxo Iasa
  • Dear Dishwasher,

    I have no problem helping to get you loaded, however, I'm not so fond of the unloading, as that means I actually have to put the dishes away...this I am loathe to do, so, moving forward, would you ask your friend the oven to help you get unloaded?

    Thank you, ever so much,
    the lady of the house
  • I don't think that the playroom is going to listen! LOL!
  • Dear Mr. TV Man,

    Spud's grandpa says you'll come clean the dead cowboys and indians out of the bottom of our television. Will you take all the evil robbers and people who are mean to little kids, too? And how about the people who try to cheat you out of your money?

    You must be really special that you can take care of so many problems like that.

    Gratefully yours,
    CatLady

    P.S. You don't clean kitty litter, do you?
  • Kim
    Oh, what a fantastic idea!

    Dear Giant Creases Forming Beneath My Eyes From Insomnia,

    Please don't swallow me (or anyone else) up. You're getting so deep and dark that I'm begining to get scared. And what do you have against maintaining a beautiful peaches and cream complexion like Spud's anyway? It seems like it would be much nicer.

    Kim
  • I love this. Really. I've been doing Rant and Rave wednesday (just posted fyi) but I think I'll do the letters anyway. First one is going to be to my good friend Spud. Yeah. That's right. You'll see. Won't be today tho :)

    xxoo (kisses and hugs, cuz I'm like that)
  • There is something quite theraputic about open letter writing x

    Dear Doctor
    Please give me a cochlear implant. I am desperate.
    Love Bryonyx
  • too many b-days in september seems to be our problem too....
    dear rain gods...
    please send some heavy duty rain this way to los angeles...we soooo need it
    thanks
    m
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