Queen of Preen
Posted under Witterings
See that? That’s the most precious button in the world…e…v…e..r. Actually I’m surprised it doesn’t have its own bodyguard and signature scent it’s so engrossed in its own wonderfulness. It’s probably got its own blog somewhere, WordPress of course. I just wanted some new trousers but, unseen and unknown to me, the Queen of Preen cadged a ride home in the bag…no doubt hoping for a dreamboat boyfriend, her own TV show and a pair of perky boobs to boot. Don’t we all honey…
Seriously, I’ve got some problems with this button. It’s overly glitzy for a pair of purple velvet trousers but that’s nothing a belt and a pull-it-down-cover-up-that-mummy-tummy top can’t handle. But no one told me this button has dreams, this button is adventurous and, thus, this button needs protection. It even came with a special little instruction card telling me so…
..and, being really belt and braces about it, it came with its own, horribly ugly ‘rubber cap’ to be worn by the Queen of Preen during washing and drying…
Snigger. Look! Queen of Preen goes brunette…welcome to the dark side Barbie girl. But let’s back up: apparently the Cap of Doom should be donned ‘when storing in case of accidental falls’. Don’t you think that’s a little strange? What, exactly, are these trousers planning on getting up to in my wardrobe? What kind of ‘falling accident’ could befall them while just hanging in my cupboard? Are my clothes engaged in some kind of extreme acrobatics in there…should I install a safety net… are they planning to compete in the next Olympics….do they need an agent…do I need employers’ liability insurance? I’m confuzzled.
But mostly I’m FURIOUS. Those trousers were expensive [very cheap, if MrSpud is reading although apparently he isn't anymore and why the hell not I don't do this for you know AND BREATHE] and yet it seems the trumped up, vacuous, lookatmelookatmeohmygodohmygod ‘Swaroski’ [fake? shudder. bad spelling? double shudder] button can’t handle a bit of wardrobe and laundry rough ‘n’ tumble without a crash helmet. Wuss.
Well I’ve got news for you Precious Princess…we live in the country haven’t you noticed? We don’t do ‘dazzle’ round here , we despise ‘nouveau’, we embrace ‘vieux’…we hunt, we shoot, we fish and we laugh in the face that all that glitters. So I suggest you pack up your big boobed sparklyness and sling your hook, and don’t forget your protective cap. Because who knows what falls may befall you? Accidental, or otherwise…mwha ha ha, evil laugh….did she fall? Was she pushed? Did her big fake boobs weigh her down? Who can tell…
sounds like you’ve been talking to the Amish in my parts. they despise buttons too. Although I must admit I wouldn’t want a button that couldn’t take an accidental fall, as I’m quite clumsy.
wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. That is all.
Like I didn’t have enough problems, now I’ve got button envy.
Have you insured her? Given her her own heavily carpeted wardrobe in which to reside? What about velvety bodyguard trousers hanging on either side of her precious swavarski-self in case she should suddenly shoot sidewise in said wardrobe? Have you considered sending the boys to boarding school so you may give her the proper attention?
(Thanks for this hilarious morning post!)
But isn’t Svarowsky crystal only a fancy piece of glass anyway? And does it matter that I’ve never heard of Jonnyq?
Crystal button aside, the trousers sound nice. I like the colour.
Mmmmm, shiny. I can guard the button for you so there is no trouser tango in your wardrobe.
oh. my. god. we humans are a strange species.
strange that the crystal’s name isn’t written properly (swarovski) – so it is probably a FAAAAAKE. shame on jonny q whom I never heard of. so you can wash it without cap, drop it, dumpf without regret as it’s just a piece of glass – a real pretender!!!!!
Chav
Okay I will be honest, I am jealous. I like your boing and I bet bertie does too…
[...] This is Violet Blush, first born and only daughter of The Wife. Isn’t she a peach? She’s a rock chick through and through and, from a very young age, has had clear ideas about her wardrobe choices which are on on the edgy/urban/punk side with accessories galore…hats, caps, shades, yards of beads and badges. That’s pretty cool for a just turned four year old don’t you think? She puts me to shame, but then that’s what happens when you shop at the local saddlery and allow overly precious haberdashery items in your wardrobe. [...]
I’m with the wife: chav.
;)
In London by the end of the week – can’t wait to shop for such revoltingly pretentious and hyper-cool items myself!
i would be so worried about this button, each time i went near it. lol i do love it’s style though.
xoxo