Getting it all wrong
Posted under People I love
Anyone still here? I took an unplanned, extended blog break…partly going away on holiday and life getting in the way but, mostly, not having anything to say. Anyway…
When the Megaboys were babies I was in a state of near constant worry. There were the every day, moment-to-moment worries about whether they were too cold, too hot, getting enough milk/calcium/protein, eating too much sugar and salt, whether they were getting enough sleep etc etc. But, much worse that these ever present daily anxieties was a near constant, background worry that I was Getting It All Wrong. That, despite attending to their every need and following all the available advice, I was basically making a total hash of it. It seems quite laughable to me now but, when Bertie was a small baby and rubbish at napping, I seriously worried that he would be developmentally delayed through lack of sleep and it would be All My Fault because I was incapable of putting him down for a nap. These kind of parenting demons haunted me throughout the baby days. No wonder I dropped my baby weight pretty rapidly – just the sheer energy expended by maintaining my constant state of high anxiety melted those 5 stone away…
Eventually I relaxed in to it, and the boys grew from babies in to toddlers and pre-schoolers without incident. I stopped worrying about Getting It All Wrong and accepted that sometimes I’ll get it right and sometimes I’ll get it wrong but, for the most part, we’re on track. But, just recently, that old nagging fear of Getting It All Wrong has made a very unwelcome appearance. I can’t quite put my finger on why though.
I think we’re entering a new phase of parenting as the boys turn from pre-schoolers to almost-schoolers, so perhaps that’s it. I can see the challenges ahead are a whole lot more complex than the ones we’ve left behind and, at this stage, I feel completely ill-equipped for them. Also, we’re dealing with some fairly difficult behaviour from them at times and I’m completely at a loss to know how best to tackle it. But I know I’m not doing it right, because my 4 year old rather quietly, rightly and heart-breakingly, told me so.
Generally I can breeze through most of the pressure points of parenting by reminding myself of that old ‘this too shall pass’ adage. And perhaps this tricky stage will pass, but in the meantime it DOES need addressing somehow or other because they are testing boundaries and we have a responsibility to set them and enforce them. I don’t want to rule with a rod of iron but I can’t abide dreadful behaviour in children either.
But firm ‘management’ is tipping over in to shouty fishwish mummy once too often. And meeting their rage with my rage isn’t helping anyone, quite the reverse. I need some new tactics because my armoury of warnings, giving them choices, picking my battles, time out, walking away and yelling isn’t cutting it. I can’t expect them to address their behaviour until I’ve addressed my own – I think that’s the nub of it. I’m the parent, I’m supposed to lead by example and not fight fire with fire. Ah, amazing what happens when you decide to ‘blog something out’.
Any wise sages out there care to share some war stories, or tips or techniques? I don’t want to go in to battle with my children anymore, I want to enforce the boundaries and diffuse their frustration in a calm, adult manner. HELP.
Hej Spud,
Welcome back to blogosphere.
When I read your post I thought: Why did I ever decide to get my two megaboys? After listening to some songs this is my answer: To show me, teach me and to wake up the lioness inside of me.
My job is to let them be who they are. Ofcourse they need to learn about society’s rules but to me it is more important that they learn to listen to their own voice and take good care of themselves.
I seriously doubt that this answer is gonna help you but it is the best I have to offer.
Have a beautiful saturdaynight.
Elizabeth
We are having some really tough times with the younger one (who is three), and it’s even worse when the two of them gang up in mischief. We also find ourselves yelling and saying “no” far more often than we should but can’t seem to find a method that works. If you do, let me know :)
hmmmm. Well I’m no expert, but I have made the voyage in to school-dom (Olly’s in Y1 now) and know exactly what you mean. Gone are the days where his circle of influence was just his family. He hears/see/learns things that are all seperate from me and it makes me feel less in control. Isn’t that an awful thing to admit? I love control. There. I said it.
It sounds like you’re using all the techniques you can. And actually shouting IS a useful tool sometimes. It tells them that they’ve reached the absolute end of your patience and that mummy is [gasp] human. Which you are, you know – only human. And I suspect that thinking their mother is an unachievable example of a perfect woman would set them up for far more problems in later life than being shouted at the odd time. That’s what I tell myself anyway :-)
You’re doing a grand job, I’m sure xx
I’ve always said parenting doesn’t get easier it just presents us different sets of issues at each stage. I’m dreading the teenage years!!!
What is right and works for me might not be the solution for you and your family. I think when you march to the beat of your own drum you have more of a chance of getting it right than doing what others tell you to do.
My boy has a moderate intellectual disability he has trouble communicating because of language and speech issues. Most of his tantrums come from not being able communicate.
Like most young children he struggled with the pack up concept so I introduced sign language for the word finished. I would give him 5 minutes waring before finished time and then count down every minute until pack up time.
Also he has trouble with the word “No” so I swamped that word for “Not available” I have a little not available sign and I stick in on what ever it is I don’t want him to have. He knows that he can not have the item that has the sign on it and also know that when the sign comes off the item he can play with it. It is good to stick it on the play station in the morning before school. I once stuck the sign on me when I wanted 5 minutes peace to drink a cup of tea.
Another thing that may work is finding a way to give your boys a choice in the decisions and then the consequences that follow.
I hope you find a solution that works for your family.
It may sound cliche’, but go to a book store and spend some time looking at some parenting books. I’m nobody’s mom, but I am someone’s aunt and we are having a hard time with the teenaged niece and I found some great books that helped to deal with the situations we are running up against. Not only did the books guide me, but they helped assuage my concerns about how ‘bad’ the situation is. Sometimes we think things are worse than they really are. My sister and I were able to have a valuable discussion with my niece about the issues she is facing and as fate would have it the discussion helped to avert a potentionally bad, bad situation.
I’m sending a big “air” hug your way….and some love
S ♥
No tips as we aren’t at that stage yet although do get lots of the ‘terrible two tantrums’ at the moment.
The one thing I am trying to do (although you probably already do it) is to try and pick my battles. When Grace does something / wants to wear something / eat something that isn’t what I would choose, I try and think whether it really matters. If it doesn’t, I try and ignore it (results in some fabulous clothing / shows mixes at the moment!) and let her have her way. Makes her think she is in control and means on the times when I do have to put my foot down I feel happier about it.
The boys always seem such wonderful, happy children so I don’t think you can be going too far wrong!
My advice? The three “L”s:
1. Lighten up
2. Lower your standards
3. Laugh a LOT.
Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for.
It was so much fun reading the advice from your blogfriends Spud! I particularly liked The Fragrant Muse’s advice, it made me laugh too! Being an old worry-wart myself, I can relate to the nagging anxiety about parenting. I knew I wanted to parent differently than my parents did, but wasn’t sure how…or what….So I read, I talked with other parents…It helped. I loved what I learned from the Waldorf School, from the Gisell Institute books (Your Two Year Old was my Bible and Savior), and from listening to myself and my child. It’s an exciting and challenging journey the Spuds are on. Enjoy!
Spud, there is a little award for you on my blog! xo
Late to the party, but… I’m a mom of 5 and my youngest just turned 15. I well remember the days when I just felt angry and frustrated ALL DAY LONG. I do have people ask me all the time, “How did you do it? ” and much of it is a blur, but here is some humble advice (some of which I did not know about until my 5th child came along– I’m a really slow learner):
-try to save yelling for real, physical danger
-do at least one (and preferably more) positive thing that can hardly go wrong with your kids each day. Reading, playing outside, learning to play with a new toy (in THEIR way, not necessarily the way the manufacturer intends).
-Let them get dirty (you probably already do this) and make messes– and let them help you clean up, if necessary. I regret keeping my kids so “clean”.
-take breaks from your kids, preferably about half-way through the day. I don’t know how I would have survived without naptime, and after they outgrew naps, making them spend a quiet hour alone in their rooms (or some other room, since we didn’t have separate bedrooms for everybody) to break up the constant barrage of noise, keeping chaos from breaking out, etc.
Spud, the fact that you are concerned about this shows that you are a good, loving mom. So cut yourself some slack!
i don’t really have any advice…but I can relate. my son tells me i have poor parenting skills all the time.
i think the key is to love them (which you have down already), take deep breaths, walk away and come back when you’re able to talk to them without shouting.
If you figure it out let me know…i’d love to know too!
Greetings, Spud! I hope at the very least you know that you are not alone in this journey. It is one all moms have endured since the beginning of time. We all want the very best for our children, but we also want everyone to come out of the experience in one piece. I know I have a lot of grey hairs to account for my five children, but I also have a lot of laugh lines, and that’s what it is all about: balance.
Here is some advice I was given which often saved the day:
1. Time out is for everyone. When it gets to the point where everyone is frustrated, everyone takes a time out. No talking. No touching. Just breathing. It even helps to close your eyes…
2. Treat your kids in public as you would at home and at home as you would in public. This one had the most profound effect on me and has worked a gazillion times.
3. Give them roots. Give them wings.
Leading by example is a great course, but at times that takes relearning by the parent and sometimes there are just adult things that kids are not supposed to do (we’ve earned it). Relax. You are the adult. In matters of safety, “the rod” is appropriate ~ your kids will know you are serious. Save it for that and that alone.
Most of all: hugs. Lots of them. They make everything better for everyone…
Another one on roots and wings – make sure they know you love them and are there for them and then step back to let them get on with falling out of trees and so on
Hard though, I know about the fishwife tendency only too well