Stranger Danger
Posted under People I love
Can I beg some comments for this post? Pretty please? You were all so helpful a while back with suggestions for managing Diggy’s ‘rages’ and for calming my own reactions to it – we seem to be through that particular phase, thanks in many ways to the reassurance and suggestions from the Chez Spud Tribe. So thank you…and now I need some more help.
Last weekend Bertie and our neighbours’ elder daughter took themselves off an ‘an adventure’. They took backpacks, helped themselves to cake and drinks, slipped through an open gate on the farm and trotted off down the fields. Before any of us realised they were missing, they were about 5 fields away from the house, over a bridge. Luckily a woman from the village out walking found them and brought them home.
We were spared the anxiety of realising our children were missing. We ‘knew’ where they were playing and that they couldn’t get out in to the fields (not realising the gate was open) and had only just started to call them in for lunch. At that point we saw a stranger walking our 4 year olds down the lane. Horrifying.
There’s no point being hysterical about it. No harm was done. They WERE found, and by someone helpful. But we struggled to talk to them about the possible dangers of what they had done. Both of them understood that going out of eyesight without permission frightens us and means we could help them if they got in to trouble. But both were confident they weren’t ‘lost’, they knew exactly where they were going and how to get back again. Bertie thought we’d sent ‘that nice lady’ to fetch them, although equally he was keen to let us know they didn’t need her to bring them home. So we tried to broach the ‘beware of strangers’ angle.
But none of us were prepared for the ‘stranger danger’ conversation and were left flailing about trying to find a balance between communicating the issues enough for them to understand why they are too young to be out alone and terrifying them unduly. I ended up telling Bertie that he can’t rely on adult strangers helping him if he needs it, because not all adults like children, some adults would just walk by and not help a child in need. That’s why he needs to stay close to me and MrSpud, or other adults we have left him with, because we will always help him. In all honesty I don’t think that resonated with him one bit..he just repeated that he didn’t need help, they were find, they were on an adventure.
So, what do you tell a 4 year old about stranger danger? Nothing? Anything? How far do you go? What are the right words to use? I hadn’t anticipated having to tackle this issue so early, not least because Bertie never goes far from me. Or he didn’t. He’s the child who is overly anxious about crossing the road, even holding my hand…who has never, until now, run away or gone out of eyesight. But there we go. He has now shown that he WILL wander off if he feels like it.
I’d really like to hear what you say, said, to your very young children about stranger danger. I know they teach it at school, but that’s still some months off and presumably isn’t the first topic they tackle. We can tighten up security on the farm but they can all climb so well now that, if they really want to get away, they’ll just clamber over the gates.
Apparently this is a ‘mummy blog’ by the way. I’ve never considered it to be so but I found out, quite by chance, that Chez Spud was nominated in the MADs awards (Mummy & Daddy Blogs) for best photography. Very nice, but is this really a mummy blog? I certainly never intended it to be. I talk about the boys a fair amount but, you know, they are just kind of THERE alot and thus do snaffle quite a lot of my headspace/energy/patience/mental health etc etc.
Anyway, under my ‘mummy blog’ banner I am asking you other mummies and daddies and aunties and uncles..hell, anyone who used to be a child…how do I tackle this issue?
I thank you.
PS Ssshhhh, but there was a teeeeeeeny tiny part of me that admired their planning and stealth. Cake and a drink? Nice work children.
There’s that fine line isn’t there, between making them aware and scaring the life out of them. My stepaughter, at 7, had some sessions on this at school recently and they used these books:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Not-Everyone-Nice-Children-Strangers/dp/0882822330/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_c
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Stranger-Should-Whitman-Concept-Paperbacks/dp/0807590169/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b
Im not sure how appropriate they would be for a 4 year old, although Sam was interested in them when we read through them at home. Step-D is very very interested in books and she did catch on to it. But…she is super super aware now, which I find a little sad to be honest. Sam has taken the tact of asking every unknown person “are you a stranger” as if this question on its on will be enough and that they will be perfectly honest and say “yes, don’t come with me”.
I don’t know what the answer is (not entirely helpful am I!). My mother’s suggestion was that this is one of those times when you do need to a little harsh (not sure if thats the right word) with your children and make it just one of those things they must do “you must never go out the front door without mummy”.
Working in child protection, I would say that you teach your children about the uncomfortable feeing, children do get it, we don’t give them enough credit for it sometimes, but they just don’t always know how to deal with it or what it means. When someone makes you feel uncomfortable, then maybe they aren’t someone to be trusted.
No advice, I can’t remember what we said to Millie. Probably the same as you that not all adults are helpful/friendly. Glad they came to no harm though. Perhaps it’s best you not read them famous five/secret seven books just yet x
No advice but will watch with interest – impressed with their planning though and worried that its probably only a short time before Toddlergirl does exactly the same. And breathe…
First – props for being up for adventure, with a well thought out snack.
So, I know this is probably horrible, but I told my son to not talk to strangers because there are bad people in the world and some of them hurt children. I also told him “it’s importanat to stick with an adult you know because you are so cute and adorable someone may want to take you home and keep you. And that would make mommy very sad.”
Basically I scared the hell out of him. I couldn’t help it. I would rather have him feel a little scared than going off with strangers.
I’m sure this was completely the wrong thing and will require years of therapy on his part, but I did what i did.
I don’t have my own babies yet, but as a former elementary school volunteer/employee, this was a topic that we touched on briefly. Everyone above is right…there is a fine line between making your children afraid of every adult they don’t know and keeping them safe.
I don’t think the idea of scare tactics is a bad one. I know four is a bit young to start telling them, but since your little man is adventurous (and creative), I think it’s kinda necessary. I’m with Megan….I think you need to let him know that not everyone in the world is nice to little children and that his best bet is to ALWAYS let you know where he is and not to be out of your sight.
Oh, that’s so sweet. Terrifying for you though, Spuddles.
Erm….. advice…. tricky isn’t it? A very fine line between making your small child savvy and street smart and making him distrustful and scared.
When I took Olly up to watch the London Marathon, I was paranoid about him getting lost. The rules were that he only talks to grown ups he knows or grown ups in uniforms (ie police, ambulance, etc) That was as black and white as I could make it – kids don’t deal with grey ambiguity I find. I chose not to get in to the whole ‘there are bad people around’ tale as I don’t really think my 5 year old needs to have that innocence shattered just yet. But I will… soon. Just not yet. And that’s all I can say. That, and write your mobile on their arms. Though I appreciate that is more practical as a one off event, rather than an every day solution. lol
xx
Oh, what a horrifying feeling! We had a similar (if much less planned out) adventure when my son was almost 4. He couldn’t quite grasp that there were dangers out in that big facinating world. What he did get was when I explained how I would cry. If I couldn’t find him I would cry; if someone took him and I didn’t know where I would cry; if he got hurt and I couldn’t get to him I would cry; etc. That seemed to finally make sense to him. No child wants to see their mother cry.
Good luck to you!
Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences/thoughts…it’s always so interesting and helpful to get a view from other parents. There’s no ‘right’ way or answer, funny how that is always the case with this parenting lark – but with really big issues like this one it’s helpful not to tackle it in isolation.
Jen..your crying point is a really good one. Neither of my children have ever seen me cry. I think, in hindsight, it’s a shame we reacted so calmly. Perhaps the heebie jeebies and me crying might have shocked him in to realising the implications for me/MrSpud if not for himself. Note to self: must be more hysterical!
I’m generally of the view that I don’t want their innocence shattered at this point either. But I think I would go down the route of ‘unkind adults and people who might think you’re such a lovely boy that the might take you home with them and not let you come back to me and Daddy’. I would hope that’s alarming enough without being unduly terrifying.
He did recount the story to a friend of mine today. I asked him why he isn’t allowed to go out on his own again and he quickly said, ‘Because i might get lost’. I’m vaguely comforted that he was at least sheepish about the whole thing, rather than full of swagger etc.
Sigh.
Next week in Spud’s Mummy Blog…where do babies come from ;-)
x
I can answer the question about where babies come from. Millie asked this and she must have been about 2 (Very forward talker) I told her that ladies had eggs inside them and she was happy with that.
Fast forward a few weeks and we were sat in the hairdressers and in a loud voice she said “I think my eggs are hurting me” whilst clutching hold of her tummy! I may have turned slightly pink.
We have books and I’ve been quite open with v about not everyone being who they seem. Will pm you as am on phone x
oh spud, we were in a similar yet much worse position when our boys were 4/5 and 10/11 years young. we had to learn, that less than a mile from our home there was a ped…. waiting for his trial. even worse, he is the nephew of a very dear neighbour and came to her many parties from time to time. and even worse – as i thought the boys would be safe only leaving our place with our dog around – the guy once had fed our dog with leftovers and bones from the barbecue (before i knew what was behind the very sympathetic face). we were in the same doubts as you and not prepared to tell our boys about the bad bad world and the threatening strangers and taking their innocence, especially because we had left a big city to live in the end of the world. well, we only went for the soft approach, similar to you. but three years later the guy left prison before his time was over (we never learnt why) and then we told the boys the full full truth. especially because our kind neighbour was so nice to provide us with the information that the man loved boys in early puberty. our boys took it with an interesting sense of humour, maybe because in school they also learnt that they have the full right to say NO, to be and stay self-confident, to (hopefully) trust their own intuition and to be able to talk to us if something strange happened or if a stranger or neighbour behaved in a weird way. the rest is hope.
I think you did well, telling him how scared you were. Stranger Danger is best taught gently in the teachable moment, such as this. Four year olds have that sense of adventure combined with a growing sense of independence and self-confidence. Delightful and scary at the same time for parents.
wooow! Can’t wait for where do babies come from post! Spud-style!
And…congrats on the award…your photos of children are amazing..well deserved…I don’t think of your blog as a ‘mommy blog’ either…I love the diversity of your posts. Am inspired constantly! Re: safety issue. I often turned to books to instruct. The Denver Library had a wealth of choices…I could almost always find an age appropriate, illustrated,book to open up a ‘discussion’ about safety issues. Since we lived in a big city when my girl was young, ‘stranger-danger’ was an important issue to be addressed.
Getting in on this late, but I’m with Leanne (1st comment), I think there’s great merit in getting your kids to understand and trust their instincts from early on. If someone or a situation makes them feel uncomfortable they should learn to listen to their gut. Lord knows that’s whats kept me out of trouble for most of my life!
But yukky experience for you – sorry!
I remember when I first watched Sleepless in Seattle. Do you remember? Noah sneaks onto a plane and flies off to New York. I told Jeffrey, “I’d kill him. That’s all, I’d just plain kill him.” Jeffrey turned back to me, grinned, and said, “No way. You’d be so proud of him for pulling it off.” He was right. I would be proud. But, I’d still go crazy.
I haven’t read the comments yet, but here’s what I’m thinking. As a teacher we do the stranger danger talk. I am very aware of the need to teach our children to be safe and yet not rob them of their innocence. I want them to keep their natural openness and friendliness and curiosity. I always tell my daughter, “Don’t be scared to talk to people, strangers are just friends you haven’t met yet.”
However.
We have also taught her that no good person would ever try to get her to leave with them. That nobody who was doing right (peer or adult) would ever try to get her to do something her parents have told her not to. Easy example, a friend wants to watch a movie you are not allowed to watch, once you let them know your family rules, that should be enough for the friend. No pressuring, no cajoling. A good friend doesn’t try to get you to disobey. In the same way, no good adult (or older kid) would ever ask you to do something we’ve told you you can’t. That includes trying cigarettes or drugs, or wandering off… etc.
The other thing I really stress with my daughter and my students is to trust their gut. It tell them, if something makes their “tummy feel funny”, trust it. If someone talks to them and makes them uncomfortable, the first thing to do is say, “I am sorry if I sound rude, but can you please leave me alone? You are making me uncomfortable.” If the adult or older kids doesn’t immediately leave her alone, Sloane is under instruction to begin yelling for help.
I hated to have this talk with her. Hated it! But, here in our sleepy little town, we had a child abduction attempt less than two months ago. The child’s mother had taught him never, ever, ever to take a ride from anyone. EVER. So, he ran away screaming at the top of his lungs and drawing as much attention as possible. The child was fine, but the would-be abductor was never caught.
As sad as loss of innocence is, it is better safe than sorry.
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