Confidence
Posted under parenting, Witterings
Last weekend, at the beach, I spotted my 10 year old self. An only child I suppose, since no siblings were in evidence nor cousins or friends. Just her, plus parents and assorted grandparents. She pottered about the beach on her own, making up games, paddling, making sandcastles, swimming a bit. Every once in a while she’d call out to her family, ‘Look at me!’ or some such. But, mainly, she watched the other groups of children rather wistfully…clearing wishing she could join in. She’d edge nearer and nearer, and then back off again. Later, a very glamourous Italian teenage girl turned up. “I wish I could be like her”, I could almost read her mind since 10 year olds haven’t yet developed the skill of covert observation. My heart broke a little bit watching her since she reminded me so much of myself at that age. A little bit plump and plain, comfortable and confident in the presence of adults but always wishing I could part of whatever group or clan I inevitably was excluded from. And I definitely always suffered from French/Spanish/Italian teenage girl envy on the beach, always wanting to be older, taller, slimmer, more suntanned etc etc.
Then, somewhere along the line, I shed my awkwardness and put on the Confident Cloak instead. If I want to join a group of people, I join in. I no longer want to look like an Euro Teen. I’m comfortable in my skin. How did that happen? Did I do it myself, though a combination of nature/nuture/force of personality? Or was it instilled in me by my parents, friends and peers?
A friend’s son, 4, seems to be suffering from low self confidence and, when his brother tells him that he’s a ‘rubbish waste of space’ the boy will cry and agree, ‘Yes I AM a rubbish waste of space’. His mother was chewing over how she can help him to believe in himself, how she can bolster his self-confidence and teach him to stick up for himself a bit. We were both a bit stumped for ideas and I’ve been mulling on it ever since.
So how DO you help someone to love themselves, to have confidence and be proud of who they are? Success, does that breed confidence? Should we be helping our children by creating situations where they can succeed and be proud of their achievements? That seems so artificial but surely self-confidence must, in part, be reinforced by the confidence others have in us?
But it’s SELF-confidence. The nub of the issue is in the title. It’s something that we, as individuals, have to find in ourselves. And I don’t know how you do that. But I wish I did so I could parcel some up for the wistful girl on the beach and the 4 year old boy who, quite genuinely, thinks that he’s “rubbish”.
Anyone got any ideas? All gratefully received.
Help him master some sort of skill maybe? And have a serious talk with that rubbish brother.
wow… Having two kids of my own, I have had to deal wtih this, but I admit not from within. My children have been taught that at the end of the day they have only family and eachother to rely on. Maybe start there? Sit both kids down and explain to elder that speaking that way to youngest is extremely distructive and will not be tolerated.
I also have had the talks with my children about feeling “weird” and “different”. I was simply very honest. I related to their feelings and let them know that I too was “weird” (which I very much was) and I explained that I made choices to try to be the same as other kids. I also relayed the consequences I suffered because of it. That I gave up dreams I had to fit in, that I got into trouble, because I was trying to be cool.
I am sure we all know there is not set way to approach each child, but maybe it is a start? Never easy…
ooo… not an easy topic and i don’t know if we ever get to the stage where we can be totally comfortable and confident? don’t we all have a little self doubt at times? or is that just me…. see, here I go.
Love, guidance and communication I think are the tools parents need the most. After all, we can’t shape their lives, just assist a little when the path is rough.
Read my post today… it will help you see where my perspective lies at this very moment in time! xxx
I was that 4 year old some 35 years back. Just present him good books. Caution, prevent him from getting into day dreaming. He will grow into a better human being.
Great post. At what point do kids lose their self confidence I wonder? My daughter is a bright and generally self confident kid but at age 13 has suddenly got a ‘I can’t do that’ and ‘I’m no good at that’ attitude. Is it at school, in the playground, or just human nature?! I teach martial arts and we have some great kids come along to train… I love seeing how their self confidence grows as they follow our classes