Panic buttons
Posted under Witterings
The Wife offered to install a panic button on my MacBook today after Cyberworld niggled me and, I must say, I think that’s an inspired idea. I know that Facebook, MySpace, Bebo etc have them but I do think an actual, physical button (perhaps red?) on my ‘puter would be ideal and, of course, of use across a huge variety of sites and applications. Cyber bullying? HIT THE BUTTON. Poor grammar? HIT THE BUTTON. Pointless wittering on about nothing? HIT THE BUTTON (ooops that’s most of Twitter gone then). Photos of anyone over the age of 6 wearing leggings or, shudders, jeggings? HIT THE BUTTON HIT THE BUTTON HIT THE BUTTON.
I don’t think we need limit ourselves to ‘puter Panic Buttons though. I’ve always thought we should introduce a ‘pink flashing beacon’ that can be stuck on the top of your motor (American cop stylee) to communicate to other road users that they need to move..the feck..out..of…the…way….NOW. It could be used in a variety of emergency situations from ‘MOVE! Transporting labouring woman to hospital’ to ‘MOVE! Hormonal woman in need of chocolate on board’.
Or how about a sickly pastel coloured one (possibly adorned with frolicking lambs?) which sleep deprived parents could whack on the roof to say, “Please don’t beep me. I’m very tired. I haven’t slept since time began and I’m driving this slowly because I have finally, finally after 4,367 miles got the baby to sleep and now I am driving home very…very…very slowly in an attempt to regain a tiny shard of my sanity. If I drive faster I will get home faster and the baby will wake up the second I touch the brake and then my brief, oh..so…brief, respite from this hell will be over. OK?”
But what to do about this particular ‘emergency situation’. The Wife, who seemingly is full of good ideas today, emailed to say she’d found a frock for me. Splendid, quoth I. But then I opened the attachment:
Oh dear God in Heaven protect me from all that is evil and dark…what kind of new hell is this I see before me…oh my eyes…my eyes! It’s 1987 and I shall go to the ball and, what the heck, might as well take Bo Peep’s brolly with me for good measure. I was flailing around looking for my imaginary ‘puter Panic Button and frantically slapping my pink and pastel beacons to my head (oh, handy, at least they match the frock).
But it was no use, nothing could protect me from the full force of flounce. I am damaged, I am done for, fatally wounded by a glimpse of a couple of hundred yards of cheap raw silk and scratchy lace. Let the end come quickly. O peachy pastel frock of despair…let me bury my weary head in your terrifyingly ample leg o’mutton sleeves…let me cling to your acres of gathers at your dropped V waist and clutch at your winsome sweetheart neckline…HIT THE BUTTON HIT THE BUTTON HIT THE BUTTON!
Oh Wife, how you do make me laugh. But I will have my revenge. Oh yes I will. To be continued….
I think that might actually be my bridesmaid dress from 1988!!
ooh, I have lots of eyes!! And I’ve always wanted curly hair!
Wah – this made me laugh out loud, even Bear wants to know what’s so funny. I certainly need a panic button, but I’m installing yours first. And am off to get you that dress… xx
That first photo really is supercute xx
Stellar idea. I need those buttons everytime I log onto “Wedinator” and see the hideous, yet fascinating, wedding ensembles some people think are the VERY best thing to wear on that “special day”.