Parents as Experts
Posted under parenting
When my boys were babies I thought to answer to any parenting issue could be found in books or on the internet. No problem was insurmountable, if something wasn’t ‘working’ I just hadn’t researched the issue deeply enough. A bit more googling, a smidge more online chat, the purchase of yet another parenting tome would sort it.
Of course I was quite wrong, the answers to parenting problems can’t be found in books. Books are good for suggestions, online communities more so and the latter was a wonderful support network for me throughout those dark days. Even if no-one could help me learn how to put a baby down for a nap/not wake up 10 times a night/feed without being constantly distracted etc, they could suggest things that might work whilst holding my hand and offer much needed sympathy and empathy.
When Bertie was about 1 or so, I read somewhere that, as a parent, I am the expert of my own child. I wish I could remember where I read it, because it struck me as being so profound. It’s a pretty common theory now but, a few years back, it was the first time I’d come across this idea despite my endless reading and research. It was so ‘freeing’ for me because, in a second, I felt liberated from the constant, gnawing anxiety of ‘always wanting to do the right thing’. I read all the research, I followed all the guidelines…I breastfed exclusively for 6 months, the boys’ slept in our rooms for the first 6 months, they were weaned at 6 months and not a second before etc etc. I felt slightly ‘panicked’ all of the time but reading, and suddenly understanding, that I know more about my children than anyone else and that what I, as their parent, think/know/suspect counts every bit as much as the professionals.
I doubt I would have done much differently had I had this moment of clarity earlier on, but perhaps I might have panicked a little less. Perhaps I’d had done all the reading, followed the guidelines but just relaxed in to my decision rather than being so tediously dogmatic about it. Who knows. It doesn’t matter, it’s over now anyway.
But being an ‘expert in my own child’ paid some dividends this week. I potty trained Diggy in a morning. We started at 8am, he had one accident at 10am. After than he utterly refused any attempts to make him sit on the potty, insisting that he knew himself when he needed to go. And he did. And that was that. since then he’s been clean and dry, and just takes himself off to the loo when he needs it. Or asks to use it when we’re out an about. Job done.
So what’s so special about that? Well, I think it’s fairly unusual to be clean and dry, and going to the loo totally unaided and unprompted in a morning. But I’m not boasting. I’ve got nothing much to boast about because he’s 3.5 years old. And that, of course, is REALLY old to be toilet trained. I’m way way way off the ‘guidelines’. And this is our 5th or 6th attempt at potty training, so I’m not exactly up there in a medal position as potty training goes.
What’s ‘special’ is that I don’t care that it’s taken us until he’s 3.5 to potty train him. Doesn’t matter to me that he’s way, way behind the ‘normal’ and probably a few people have been raising eyebrows that he’s been in nappies for so long. Knowing that I am the ‘expert of Diggy’ gave me enough confidence to knock our previous attempts on the head very rapidly since he clearly wasn’t ready. Every previous attempt has been ‘game over’ by lunchtime, with a massive pile of soggy clothes and Diggy crying and asking for a nappy. The ‘books’ might say he must SURELY be ready at age 3ish, but the child was saying otherwise.
And that has proved to be so. Because when he was ready, he was REALLY ready. And it was done easily, painlessly and without a pile of soggy pants. He’s so matter of fact about it all, like he’s been out of nappies for years. He can’t understand what all the fuss is about with me and MrSpud heaping praise on him. In fact we’re going to have to stop all the whooping, and just treat it as the norm as he is clearly doing.
A very dear friend of mine is due to give birth to her first child very shortly, and my sister-in-law in a few months. Of course there will the usual pile of presents and a few handmade hooky gifts of course. But what I would love to give them is the confidence to know that they will be the experts in their children, an understanding that the professionals have an essential role in advising and guiding and providing up to date information on current research. But, in the end, parenting isn’t a science – far from it. It’s not even an art. It’s just parenting, it’s just life, just a bunch of people who love each other muddling through the parenting path..one sleepless night at a time. So, to Marie and Lisa…I give you the gift of confidence in your instincts and doing what is right for YOUR child and YOUR family. One size doesn’t fit all, the answers can’t be found in books, sometimes there just aren’t any answers…sometimes you just have to put your head down and battle through it. All things shall be well. All manner of things shall be well. xxx
I actually don’t think 3.5 is that old for potty training. Wm is nearly 3 and he shows no sign of being ready.
Anyway, back to the point – yes yes yes!
I emailed someone recently who’s about to have a bub with a pile of advice on nappies, but ended by saying that the biggest piece of advice I could give is to listen to the advice, take it all in, then do your own damn thing…. Experience can be passed on, but its value is limited by the individuality of our children.
It did help that I’d read Penelope Leach and she was said “If you’re going to do it by the book, it helps if the baby has read the book too” (or words to that effect)
What a fantastic post. I too wish I had realised this sooner. Having 2 children in 15 months meant that I learnt fast. Both boys were over 3 before they were potty trained and they went straight to the Loo and no accidents and trained within a day.
Oh! You made me cry:
I give you the gift of confidence in your instincts and doing what is right for YOUR child and YOUR family. One size doesn’t fit all, the answers can’t be found in books, sometimes there just aren’t any answers…sometimes you just have to put your head down and battle through it. All things shall be well. All manner of things shall be well. xxx
They should print this on every new mum’s discharge notes from the hospital. How much happier with ourselves we would all be.
That photo brought a tear to my eye- what a gorgeous picture. I wish I could take photos like you! I hope your lovely boys will always be friends. They look like they will. How wonderful to have each other as they grow up.
And yes to being “the expert of your own child”. It’s hard in the frenetic early days, when you just want everything to be “best” for your new baby, to trust your instincts. I’ve found as mine have got older (now just 5 and nearly 3) that so many of the decisions I fretted endlessly over seem so inconsequential now. And as a result I worry a bit less and just enjoy them as they are. They all get there in the end. There’s no rush.
Potty training, it seems so long ago but still it makes me smile. With our oldest one it was a laugh. He simply refused, no matter what. Than we came back from the holidays and I said: Now we have to start this otherwise you can’t go to school in a few months. (School starts at 4 years in holland) He said ok and that was the potty-training.
You are totally right, you are the expert of your own child and not someone else, a book or the so called expert. For me motherhood has become an experience of trusting myself.
Fantabulous post – so totally true that we are the experts in our children, trouble is that it takes a while to realise
We’ll toilet train as and when she’s ready – which is definitely not now, despite the fact that EVERYONE else is doing it right now
What a lovely post. I wish someone had given me that gift when I had my daughter!
I couldn’t agree more… although it took me a while to realise this. And even now I agree wholeheartedly but don’t always put it in to practice. But with each passing day I believe more and more that nobody but nobody knows my child like I do. Lovely post… just reminds me to remember to believe in myself.
Hear hear! Wish we had more confidence in our own instincts, and less inclination to be swayed by what everyone else is doing. Great post and hooray for a stress free potty training!
Brilliant post, I may nick some words for a friend of mine about to give birth. I was/am a terribly obsessive person at times and still find it difficult to trust myself that I am right without reams of research/books.
Hooray to Diggy on the pants too!
Thank you (snif, snif)
x
Amen to all that. I actively avoided and rejected all advice with regard to developmental milestones set down by experts and measured in weeks – and it probably wasn’t a bad thing that my Mum lived on the other side of the world when my older 2 were born! I’d like to think it was confidence having read this fab post but it was just as likely plain old bloody mindedness on my part :)
Absolutely true and something that is nigh on impossible to explain to those who are at the very beginning of the journey into parenthood.
Well done Diggy on the pants too
fab post spuddles. So, so true.
And well done Diggy!
cry and sigh, thank you dear spud. life is becoming so complicated and stressful with my tenacious little eleven-year-old “baby”. so i have to learn the confidence that puberty will also pass from him and us one day. the previous post even made me cry more – you are struggling with that weird number and i have a decade more to digest. but thank you for your straightforwardness.
Absolutely right. J potty trained in about the same length of time, with a handful of accidents since, at 3 years and 5 months old. He was not ready before then and I'm glad we waited despite nursery trying to push us. Better that than months of accidents, yuck!
It's hard though when they hit 3 and the looks start at them still being in nappies.