Raising boys…taking risks
Posted under parenting
Raising boys…raising girls…raising children. Are they the same? I’m completely ill qualified to make any kind of judgement since I am the mother of boys, and boys alone. And that’s how it will stay. There will be no more Baby Spuds, for various reasons but not least because I don’t want any Girl Baby Spuds. Girls are great, don’t get me wrong, I am one myself etc etc…I just don’t want to parent Girl Spuds…I’m totally blissed out by my Boy Spuds. I love our family dynamic…one MrSpud, Two BoySpuds, One Coach Potato….and that’s the way it will stay.
So, are boys different? When Bertie, my first born, was about 5 seconds only I read ‘Raising Boys: Why Boys are Different and How to Help Them Become Happy and Well-Balanced Men’ by Steve Biddulph. OH MY GOD! Look at the title, sheesh, way to go and heap on the responsiblity. Scream. I can’t remember much about it, although I distinctly remember that boys are generally not ready for formalised learning until they are 7(ish) and that they need male mentors. I can remember panicking about the ‘male mentor’ thing but life moves on, and we have a fair number around these days. And I’ve cut my hair really, really short…so…I count, right?
In recent weeks I’ve been confronted with the statement that ‘boys do better if they are allowed to take risks’. On TV (thank you St Gareth Malone via the BBC’s Extraordinary School for Boys) and through another Mum of Boys. I vaguely considered this, and then dismissed it as I’m not one of life’s risk takers and, thus, I don’t encourage it in others.
Or I didn’t, until yesterday. Bertie went to school. The sun shone. I thanked the Google gods for giving me a job which is totally flexible, took the day off and kept Diggy out of nursery. We hung out a bit and then headed down the fields.
Our original plan had been to gather some apples to feed to the horses in the field at the bottom of the garden. But a hole in the bag meant we were down to only 2 apples by the time we’d got there, and thus that activity was over pretty fast. We continued…
We got to the stream, shallow but fast and with no clear way across other than a few big stones and slippy bits of concrete. My plan was hand out and watch the water. Diggy’s plan was to spend 2 hours IN the stream, crossing backwards and forwards, leaping from stone to stone, testing the sailing capacities of every leaf/stone/piece of bark around.
I resisted for about 30 seconds and then realised I should just let him DO IT! Most likely the risk involved him tipping over, filling his boots and getting wet…perhaps with a graze. The most likely worst case was he would fall and bash his head. The VERY worst is that he would fall and smack his head and kill himself but, let’s face it, he could do that anywhere.
So, despite my usual reticence, I just let him ‘be’. I didn’t say ‘be careful’, or ‘slowly!’ or ‘mind out!’ and all those usual things mummies say because, let’s face it, what’s the point? I said ‘be careful’ once and Diggy said, in measured tones, ‘Mummy..remember..I’m In Charge’.
Action shot: arrghhhh….
So, was I right to let him take a few risks? Should I let him? But is it limited to boys…should girls be ‘allowed’ or indeed ‘encouraged’ to take risks? Do we need more risk takers?
As a mother to both, my son is by far the more adventurous one.
I am forever saying to both of them ‘be careful’ or ‘watch out’ … so much so that I am considering removing my tongue. Every time I do it I want to slap myself.
I let them take calculated risks, calculated by me. From experience, the worst accidents we’ve had have been in none risk taking situations, so far.
*Touches lots of wood*
Oh we know this well at our house, apart from small difference of an added extra boy. I love being a mum to boys they bring out the best things in me.
I am mother to two boys too, although one is a reckless soul and one a total wuss. I try to let them take “safe” risks, but I admire you immensely for standing back and biting your tongue – I know I would have found that hard.
I thnk however hard we try to fight it, boys (or maybe all children) will take risks, and to a certain extent that’s how they learn (or more specifically how they learn NOT to do things). And you are, of course, right. The worst that happens is that they get a scratch, and don’t do whatever caused it again.
Incidentally, you have a gorgeous son! (I am sure they both are, but can only see Diggy here)
I too am the mother of one of each and my daughter is way WAY more of a risk taker (wondering if it’s second child, more confident thing?)
I confess I have to hold my tongue as she will climb, jump, pick up anything, she really has no fear. And she has hurt herself (nothing A&E worthy) but she learns from it and I like to think it makes her stronger and more confident to strike out in the world.
Of course when it all goes tits up and she really hurts herself I’ll be back here saying how no bloody way should our children be allowed to take risks!
I have three boys and one girl. They spend a lot of their time outside, and now my daughter is ten she’s allowed to take the dog for a walk by herself, and ride her bike around the village. The boys spend most of their time climbing, breaking things, banging things and bleeding. I think it’s important for children to get dirty and make mistakes – I had a lovely, free childhood, and I want the same for them. The photos (and your little chick) are gorgeous!
I have one two year old boy, and he is a risk taker. I already have to stop myself from telling him to be careful as I think reasonable risks are good for you. They teach you a lot and think that people should take them, but it is so difficult as a mother though! xx
Absolutely beautiful. This post would have been amazing without any words, even. Those pictures are stunning and what gorgeous hair your little boy has.
Just lovely.
I have recently come to realise that you have to let them be. Guide them, let them be free and be there when they fall.
It’s all about becoming their own person after all. They’re little people!
Becca x
I’m not a risk taker personally either, but there’s risk and there’s risk. A few bumps and scrapes are to be expected, and they have to experience them so that they are able to judge risk for themselves. I was at the park yesterday, and sat on the bench while my 3 year old climbed on the monkey bars, and slid down the fireman’s pole by himself. The little friend of the same age that he’d found there desperately wanted to do the same, and I think was more than capable of it, but his mother wouldn’t let him. I felt smug.
I have 4 girls and one boy– and the boy coming last has totally changed our lives (this makes it sound rather recent, but he is 15 now)! We encouraged our girls to physical activity, but none of them ever became interested in team sports. Our boy, however, became enamored with lacrosse 2 years before he was old enough to join the local rec league… and here we are 8 years later thinking about playing it in college. I don’t know what I expected– that I would have a bookish, quiet boy? Ha!
And as for risk taking… I know I was waaaaaay too safe with my kids. I think both boys and girls need to be allowed to take risks. I think that it took me 4 kids to realize that, so I was much more relaxed with the boy.
I have one of each. My boy has always been a bit adventurous, but nothing like his little sister. She wants to do EVERYTHING he does years before she should be ready. But she makes a point not to be a “girly girl” so she may not be a good example.
Over the years I’ve found that letting them take greater increasing risks here and there has increased their ability to make good decisions and also increased my ability to cope with watching them. That hasn’t stopped the occasional trip to the ER for the boy, but he’s no worse for wear and he makes better choices. I think… :)
I think your outlook is wonderful. You are building in your boys a foundation of independence and self-confidence as only a mother can.
yes, let them take risks – particularly girls! – says she who doesn’t have any kids… (but seven nieces and nephews – does that count at all?).
i would probably be totally crap at letting my own kids take risks, but i do remember whenever my dad let me do things that were risky, it felt as if he trusted me to do and master whatever i set my mind to – and that felt good! :)
My girlfriend’s bathtub always had dinosaurs in it. She had little boys. Mine had naked Barbies. Not one dinosaur was ever invited to play in my girl’s bubble bath. Now that I think about it, I noticed a Godzilla on her computer in her dorm room…hmmm….
Hehe…. I think it is parenting in general that is a heart stopping adventure from day one on! My girl is more pragmatic and less of a risk taker than the boy, but I also believe the boy takes risks because he’s a boy and not because there is any thought to it. It’s in their DNA…
Firsty what wonderful images and secondly as a mum to two boys I know this feeling, My boys are natural risk takers, but then so am I (my mum always thought I was a boy). I believe that fear is a learned emotion and I hide my fear from the boys, they love to push the boundries
I have a girl (3 or 33) and I find that I am letting her take more risks now as she gets older. Partly because she is more capable, but partly because we’re at that delightful stage where she’ll do what she wants anyway so choose your battles… sigh.
Worst case scenario in the 98%ile prob range? She’ll bite off more than she can chew, come to me crying, have a hug and a princess plaster, and go and do it again. I love that she will try anything, and I hope my little boy will be as fearless.
I’m mummy to one of each – girly I never need to tell her to be careful – she just is – naturally cautious, I often have to put in huge effort just to get her to stretch her comfort zones a little tiny weeny bit. Boyo on the other hand…. a complete little dare devil, into everything, 100% full occupied in finding out about everything and extremely mischievous as well as just a little bit naughty….
The picture of Diggy with that rock reminds me of a time when we went camping along the Rio Grande with some friends who had two boys. (As you know, we have two girls.) Simon and I kept marvelling at the way they had to constantly THROW ROCKS. Really; if there was a rock, they had to throw it.
I can’t help but feel wistful, sometimes, that I will never get to raise one of those crazy boys. I also feel wistful for the time when my children (or hey, me) had that beautiful peachy skin. Your children are so gorgeous!
Oh, I think you were right. I think we must encourage risk taking and exploration. Boys, girls, grown ups… Nothing comes about but by risk.
I’ve got two girls and I encourage them to take risk, for sure. One is naturally risk averse and flinches when you try and get her to go for it. The other is a maniac and I think we’ll need to watch out for her as she gets older.
Those boys are gonna break hearts when they’re all grown up; gorgeous.
How do I get a nice avatar attached to my comment? People will think I look like that.
Year and years of saying ‘Watch out now!’ means that I have made my two kids in my own image – ie, total Wendys. In fact, my son is such a wuss that he won’t even jump across a pebble without first calculating the crosswinds, etc. I remember him, aged about 2, watching CBeebies, and there was a monkey jumping from tree to tree. ‘Careful, monkey, you might fall!’ he screeched. Tragic, really. Lovely photos as usual. x
Hey, Spud. This is my little break before the class comes in from recess. I just have a moment and I wanted to personally invite you to participate in my blog swap. It’s going to be a lot of fun, and I’d love it if you’d join us. Of course, I totally understand if you can’t or don’t want to. Take care. Many blessings to you and yours.
I love the pictures. What a cutie.
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