Chez Spud

This week isn’t shaping up how I’d planned. It’s half-term, Bertie’s first holiday from Big School…and the first time Diggy has had such a break from nursery too. Since our lives are now shaped by the shackles of term time I thought I might as well keep Diggy out of nursery for the holidays too.

I’d so looked forward to having them home and to myself for a week. The schoolrun is a drag and a time thief. I spend so much of my time ‘processing’ my children now, running them to school and nursery, to swimming, to tennis, to playdates.  I’m somewhere between a mother, a taxi driver, a teacher, a housekeeper and a cook. And that’s on a good day.

Thus, this week was all about hanging out, being together, doing fun things and just generally chilling. I knew I’d have to do some work, but I work flexibly and part-time. It’s OK just to keep things ticking over one week by working just a few hours, and then making them up any time I like. I can even work any time of day that I like.  But this week, for the first time, it hasn’t been like that at all.  There’s been fire fighting, time sensitive projects, difficult issues to tackle etc etc. All of which have needed instant attention and have occupied waaaaaay more hours than I would usually spend working in a typical week. And that’s when the boys are at school/nursery.

It hasn’t stopped us doing the things we’d planned but I’ve been so distracted and anxious when we’re out and about, always checking email and quite keen to get home where I can write/talk on the phone properly rather than jab at my iphone slightly hysterically. The boys have been great, despite both being quite poorly (also not part of the plan for this week), and have put up with my ‘in a minute…I just need to do this…I’m coming…not now’ witterings with such good grace. It’s more than I should expect from a 5 and 3 year old, they’ve really done me proud and not moaned about reading/writing/games/puzzles/crafts etc being squeezed in around me being glued to my laptop.

I doubt they’ve even noticed that I’m a 75% Mummy this week to be honest. So why do I feel so awful? Ah, mother’s guilt. Of course. Nods head knowingly.

Whatever it is I don’t like this feeling. I normally juggle childcare/work/house/life etc reasonably easily. But this week I feel like I can’t breath. I haven’t felt like that, due to work, for so long. The last time I felt like this I didn’t have children and worked full time. Thus I could completely focus on work to get through those ‘so stressed so busy can’t breath’ times.  I didn’t have to provide regular food/drink/entertainment for children at the same time, I didn’t have to push off for golf lessons for a few hours in the middle of some crisis, I didn’t have to break off from a time critical email to wipe someone’s bottom or adjudicate over whose turn it is…I just focused on my work.  Was it easier or more bearable? I can’t remember, probably not.  Who cares anyway?

I love my job and the people I work with and for. And I am so grateful for the flexibility it gives me. But if the work gods wouldn’t mind just giving me a bit of a break until Monday I would be very grateful.  I promise to make up the hours. I thank you.

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