Playing to Win
Posted under parenting
For the Megaboys, it definitely is all about the winning. The taking part? Not so much. I’m all in favour of encouraging a competitive spirit in children but, cough, we don’t seem to need to encourage it in our boys. Quite the reverse in fact. ‘No one likes a bad loser’, ‘it’s not a race’, ‘it doesn’t matter, it’s just a game’, ‘never mind, better luck next time’, ‘well, that’s just the way it goes sometimes…you win some…you lose some’…these are phrases which come out of my mouth with boring regularity, usually whilst pinning a board game to the floor to prevent it being flung across the room in fury and listening to at least one child, sometimes two (bonus!), howling because they lost.
Are all children thus? Are boys worse? Is this just a stage, will it pass? I can’t make them any less competitive because that’s just the way they are, I suppose all I can do is help them learn to control their emotions when things don’t turn out the way they want. I’m not really in a position to judge since I was a TERRIBLE loser as a child. I suppose it just goes away when a child is mature enough to feel the social pressure of how unacceptable it is to throw a wobbler when you lose.
Boardgames have become battlegrounds. I shy away from suggesting them because I know it will end up with at least one of them raging. Perhaps I should just suck it up and play MORE games and not less, to let them experience losing as much as possible in the privacy of our own home where there aren’t so many people to point and stare in horror as it all unravels at the end. I don’t let them win. Ever. Turns out I’m as competitive as they are, ha. But Bertie has unusual luck in games of chance, and has good strategies for other ‘non chance’ games. That doesn’t help matters. The more he wins, the more expects to win. He’s a fast runner and cycler and is very good at tennis and swimming and thus often ‘wins’ athletically too. He’ll be joining various activities with older boys soon, and hopefully that will help matters a bit.
What a muddle. So, I want to nurture their competitive streaks because they are going to need that in life. But I want them to manage their emotions to deal with the disappointment of losing, but that’s a huge ask at age 4 and 5. I don’t want to play boardgames with them because I can’t stand the tantrums. But I want them to play more boardgames so that they get used to ‘you win some..you lose some’.
I don’t know what the answer is, but I know that they need to learn that you can’t be the best at everything, you can’t always be the winner and to accept winning and losing with equal grace. It’s hard to know which is more unpalatable, a bad loser or a smug winner.
What to do?
I don’t like to play board games too often, especially with my daughter, as I know how it will end. I’m a bit competitive and like to win so I suppose that doesn’t really help the situation, whereas my sporty competitive eldest son is a great loser when it comes to board games and is often found saying to his younger sister ‘come on it doesn’t matter who wins, you don’t need to cry, look at me I’m not crying’….whilst I dance around the room wallowing in my glory! oops…
He is also a very gracious loser in sport, but does quietly shed a tear afterwards with his Mum
I love that photo above, especially the eager look on the little ones face!
x
I started avoiding the screaming fights when they lost but I also worried that I was doing them a disservice. Then they started school and they had to learn how to lose. Total immersion therapy? The good news is that they will be taught how to lose but I’m now letting them learn from mama who is a little nicer about it at least. :)
There is nothing wrong with healthy competition, but everything in our house is a competition from getting dressed to brushing teeth, which does drive me insane. The thing is the school tend not to focus on winning, so it does get slightly diluted. But boys will be boys
I would love to find out the answer to this! My boys are exactly the same. They turn every single thing into a competition. I used to do star charts and the most got to pick the dvd on a Friday night. But that caused so many rows I changed it to they have to get 20 stars collectively to get a dvd at all. So at least thats one less argument.
I loved reading this and wonder what Esther and William will be like when they are older. William is more dominant at the moment but I suspect that will change x
No idea but I have family members who are grown ups who still can’t lose well… which means I don’t do board games any more – can’t stand poor losers
Which presumably means I’m set up for a lifetime of hating my children losing badly… sigh
In my experience (which is, I admit, limited with boys) I found that my son was a sore loser until he was a little older (6 or 7, I think). Then he stopped having scary temper tantrums when he lost something. At 16 he still hates losing (he is a very competitive lacrosse player) but doesn’t have temper tantrums and doesn’t even sulk. Thank God, because his team is having a losing season this year…
And Spud, I meant to say that I think you are doing all the right things, but you may have to wait a few years to reap the results.
Since I posted this we tried a new Lego game (Shave a Sheep). It’s a bit like a 3D version of snakes and ladders and I was able to manage their fear/hope much better. I won. No tears! I hope it’s a small step in the right direction. x
I love this post and this photo. You are such a talented photographer as you have really captured the moment.
Thanks for linking up to ShowOff ShowCase.
*hugs* I only have the one son, and so this has never been a problem. I don’t let him win, but I don’t try and beat him, if you follow me.
Since the arrival in our lives of J, and his son, the Adorable Child has had to learn to share properly, not just with mummy, and that he has to lose sometimes.
Interesting journey……..
Just got round to reading all the imperfect parenting carnival. I once got into trouble at my sister’s house as I said to her boys, “last one into the bath is a silly sausage!” “No!,” she cried, “we don’t have any competitions!” Things were that bad 10 yrs ago, but all three boys have grown up to be very good sports.