Shifting sands, that’s what friendship feels like. No different than any other human relationship of course but, in my experience, those sandy friendship beaches are more fickle than the others.
I choose not to have a glut of friends in my life and I’ve always been like that. It’s always been about a few, very VERY close friends supplemented by a relatively small group of good friends. Over the years the number of friends in the ‘inner circle’ has probably remained the same, but its membership has changed.
I don’t have friends from my childhood anymore, I have Facebook relationships with some of them. Does that count? Is that a relationship? Or does it just let you scratch your curiosity and let you feel like you’re ‘connected’ with your past?
My ‘oldest’ friends date from my university days thus I met them when I was 18. That seems late in life to be my ‘oldest’ friends when I compare that with others who have friends that they’ve known ‘forever’. I often wonder if I’m bad at friendship although I sincerely hope not; I love my friends with all my heart and am fiercely protective of them but I think I could be a little intense. I seem to have lost 3 ‘best friends’ in my life and only 1 of them I actively ‘sacked’ It’s a sadness to me that it turned out like that as my friends really do mean everything to me. I have a tiny family so my very close friends ARE my family. It would be very shabby if I wasn’t looking after them as I should.
And then the internet or, more specifically, internet friends sneaked in to my life and introduced a fascinating new layer of friendship in to my life. I’ve alluded to this is previous posts but, truly, I no longer differentiate between internet friends and ‘real’ friends. Friends are friends and we don’t have to physically hang out to be buddies; I care as much about many, many people I only know online every bit as much as I do about people I can look in the eye for real.
But it’s easy to forget your old friends, what with all the buzz and excitement of daily making new pals online who are often ‘there’ more frequently than those old pals are. It’s no different from romantic love in that respect..who doesn’t adore the thrill of the chase?
Driving home from Blog Camp on Sunday I happened to go past the town of an old friend from university (P). I haven’t seen or heard from P in about 13 or 14 years. I wondered how he is doing, and felt sad that the years and life got in the way of our friendship.Then I remembered another, mutual friend (E) and wondered what she is up to these days as I’ve not heard from her in 7 years. I felt a veil of gloom descend that these friends of old had somehow slipped through my hands. So poignant on the back of a weekend making shiny, new friendships.
New friendships thrill and enthrall us, and pump endorphins in to our weary bodies in a way which should only be available on prescription. Out of nowhere we feel scintillating, wanted, needed, accepted and admired…we share our stories, our secrets, our hopes, dreams and fears. People admire us and hang on our every word. And, best of all, we get to edit out our past as we see fit. Result!
Old friends are comfortable. We don’t need to ‘bother’ or ‘try’ or even keep in touch regularly because ‘we can always pick it up where we left off’. But too often that lessez faire approach kills a friendship, not always but it’s certainly happened to me. We all need a little a attention and that includes our oldest and dearest friends. All too soon it seems like it’s ‘been too long’ and there is too much to say, too much has happened so we draw a line under our friendship and move on. It’s a mistake I’ve made too often; these people are the very FABRIC of our lives, and were a part of forming us in to the people we are today. It’s easy to underestimate the significance of the role friends play in our lives.
Going back to my point (you’ll be pleased to hear). The day after my ponderings on my defunct friendship with P&E I got a text from E, out of nowhere…wondering if my telephone number was still the same, how are you, it’s been so long, let’s catch up…and [queue scary music] had been prompted to get in touch having heard our mutual friend P being interviewed on the radio [/queue scary music]. Serendipity in STEREO!!
I’ve taken this as a kick up the arse. Friendships wither and die if you don’t tend to them but they are not always dead, they just need a little water to revive them. So this is my mission, to assess ‘dead’ friendships and make contact with people I genuinely miss in my life. It won’t be a long list, but that’s ok.
First up, my friend J in the US. We worked together about 13 years ago, and she emigrated 10 years ago. I’ve visited her a couple of times since she left the UK and I adore her and her family. She has a child who has complex health issues which do not have a good prognosis. Their life is difficult and they lurch from one crisis to the next. Somewhere along the way I chickened out of emailing her, too afraid to witter on about nothing…not knowing what I was emailing in to. Instead I relied on a website they set up to update everyone on their daughter’s progress, and leaving comments there. I’ve even taken to getting updates on what is going on from a third party.
This is hopeless, and so spineless of me. I love her, I love her family…yet I think it’s OK to opt out like this because it’s ‘too hard’. Not ‘knowing what I’m emailing in to’ is a poor excuse for not being in touch and being supportive. My friend is wise enough to stay about from chatty sally emails if things are not good with her daughter’s health.
I last saw her 2 years ago when she visited the UK for the first time since she left for the US, as her daughter’s health had been too precarious to travel. We’d planned to spend the day together, all four children and us. But then Diggy got sick with some bug and she couldn’t take the risk of him passing it on to her daughter. So, instead, she rang my doorbell, couldn’t kiss or touch me, put presents on the floor of my hall, talked to me for 30 seconds and ran off. I stood in the street and waved to her husband and children. And then I went in to my house and cried and cried and cried. I cried for her and our special day which was ruined. I was still crying when MrSpud got home that night. That’s how much she means to me.
And this is the person I don’t email because it’s ‘too hard’. SPINELESS.
So, my friends, audit your list of old friends…who needs some attention? Who do you think is lost to you but probably isn’t? Who needs you more than you probably realise? Who do YOU need more than you dare admit?
Friends…our shied, our defender, our strength and our stay. Give praise and be thankful for them. And buy them stuff xxx
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